As part of my life decision to be a great big ponce, I took delivery of a bread machine with the sole, misguided intention to make my own bread. With an armful of hideously out-of-date ingredients kindly donated by the former wife, what, I ask, could possibly go wrong?
Fucking everything, as it turns out.
"Ah-ha! Just as I thought..."
Picture this, my very first attempt, aborted before the cooking cycle really got going. Yes, it's hideous, didn't rise a bit, and has now been set free to live out its days on the government benches in the House of Lords."Perhaps," said my flatmate, "You shouldn't have used that yeast."
He is CORRECT, for the Use By date of that yeast was July. July of 2007.
So we tried again, with yeast that was only slightly out-of-date, and with the weevils painstakingly removed from the flour.
The picture doesn't really do it justice. It's Terry Pratchett Dwarf Bread, the densest material in the known universe. Using professional cutting equipment, we finally gained access, to find that it was - in fact - a really big crumpet. A really big crumpet that tastes OK if you use all the marmite in the world.Suddenly everybody is a bread expert: "Too much water", "Old ingredients", "Get yourself some measuring spoons", "The Feng Shui's wrong", "Don't use rat poison"
But, after buying some spiffy new measuring spoons, I know the real reason: "You're a bloke trying to cook".
OK, then. New yeast, new flour, decent tools. Third time's the charm... Worship me, for I AM A BREAD-MAKING GOD!
I am now open to requests. But not plaited bread, for that is the first step down the road to poncery.You know, after I've mastered this bread-making business, I may well branch out into other products. I'm a huge fan of baps, as it happens.
*cough* Amazon Wish List *cough*
11 comments:
Please can you make some proper English muffins? (not those filthy things americans make when they mean fairy-cakes)
Or how about some crumpet? They can't be hard to make as their full of holes!
Could only be improved by the selective adding of pieces of CHOKLIT in the mixing stage.
The first two always come out shit anyway - the pan needs tempering.
Cock shaped bread pls
Do you do fairy cakes? I like fairy cakes.
You're a masterbaker now?
Bread making machines are for ponces & the bread from them tastes weird. Do it by hand ffs.
Are you using the dwarf bread for anything? It's just that I really need a doorstop.....
If he is a masterbaker, that accounts for the salty taste he described.
Bread, toasted bread. Bread and butter pudding, sorted.
Would not the plaited bread be the second step down the road to poncery? You having already established that taking delivery of the bread machine was the first.
And you shall baketh the bread and it shall be good in the eyes of the Lord. And you shall not enter into poncery for the sake of your bread baking. Thou shalt not plait said bread, neither shalt thou season it with rabbit pellets. And thou shalt bake three loaves. And the number of the loaves thou shalt back shall be three. Neither four nor five shalt thou bake. Two is right out. The baking of only one loaf shall cause they to be laughed to scorn and had in derision; it containeth not sufficient unto the Lord.
*wibble*
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