WINNIE THE POOH

WINNIE THE POOH

Congratulations to Disney Studios for their successful 're-boot' of their money-spinning Winnie-the-Pooh franchise with a new animated movie. We're not so sure, after seeing the scripy, that letting Tim Burton do the 're-imagining' was entirely the right thing to do.

TIM BURTON'S WINNIE THE POOH

SCENE: Hundred Acre Wood, day. POOH, PIGLET, TIGGER and CHRISTOPHER ROBIN enter left, marching and singing

ALL: We're going for a picnic!
Tiddly pom!
Tiddly pom!
Just little old you!
Tiddly pom!
And little old me!
Tiddly pee!

ALL EXIT RIGHT

CAPTION: SEVERAL HOURS LATER

SCENE: Hundred Acre Wood, sunset. POOH, TIGGER AND CHRISTOPER ROBIN are in a gloomy clearing, the trees behind them make menacing shapes

CHRISTOPER ROBIN: Are you sure this picnic was such a good idea?

TIGGER: Tiddly pom! [BURP]

CHRISTOPER ROBIN: And another thing - where's Piglet?

WINNIE THE POOH: He's gone to find help

[POOH wipes his mouth with the back of a bloodied paw]

WINNIE THE POOH: Yes. Help. Tiddly-help

[FADE TO BLACK, CHRISTOPER ROBIN screams, screams become strangled chokes, then silence]

SCENE: Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood. ROO is playing with a ball. Owl is sitting on the lower branch of a tree.

ROO: Come on, Owl! Play ball with me!

OWL: You do realise that while you are a small baby mammal, I myself am a bird of prey, commonly known in this post-Spielberg age as a "raptor". Now, if you don't mind, it's well past my dinner-time…

OWL swoops down from his branch

[FADE TO BLACK, there is a short, final crunch of beak against all-too-fragile bone]

SCENE: Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood. Eeyore stands by the edge of his stream

EEYORE: Hey kids! It's your happy-go-lucky pal Eeyore! And guess what? Somebody's sent me a present. Let's see what it is!

EEYORE opens a small, square package. Yes, I know he hasn't got opposable thumbs - the animation wallahs can sort something out

EEYORE: YES! YES! FUCK YES! It's a CD by someone called Leonard Cohen! Let's give it a spin, eh chums?

[FADE TO BLACK. Leonard Cohen music starts. Gunshot]