On not getting visited by TV's John and Edward, who must die
Friday. Home time. Relax time. Leave-me-alone-you-bastards time. What I don't need is...
"Gooooood evening, sir!"
People who use that many 'o's in 'Good evening' are clearly marked for death, and I shall make it my business to tell them.
I flick on the porch light to find myself confronted with a pair of almost identical suited young men clutching clipboards.
Slightly too smart; slightly too much gel in their hair; slightly too many exclamation marks on their name tags; far too pleased with themselves.
They can be only one of two things – X Factor annoyances John and Edward (who must die), or...
"Gooooood evening, sir! Have you considered changing your telephone provider?"
"Thank fuck for that. I thought you were Jehovah's Witnesses
"Stop looking like Jehovah's Witnesses, you might scare people."
"Stop looking like John and Edward (who must die), you might end up dead."
"I'll sign anything. Now bugger off."