He is a right old card is my arch-nemesis Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama ("Not daily, not a llama"), and I've made it my life's work to undercover him as the cad and a bounder that he really is. And with China on the up, I'm looking to bolster my profile in Beijing.
To this end, and in the hope of free prawn crackers at the Peking Palace on my next visit, I've been nobbing around the internet looking for dirt on the world's top living spiritual leader, and, as usual the internet comes up with the goods:
On revengeI'll get you, Lama, if it's the last thing I do.
"There is an old saying that 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'. What a load of old dolphin cock. Revenge is patently a dish best served with a claw hammer, negligee, tuning fork and a pick axe."
Dalai Lama likes Cheryl Cole and That Moment When You Fart and Blame a Passing Nun
"I wouldn't touch Widdecombe with a shitty stick. She must have done something TERRIBLE in a previous life"
On hob-nobbing with the stars
"Bono still hasn't worked who out puts clingfilm over all his toilet seats. What a putz"
"Hello Big Brother House, this is Davina, you are live on Channel Four. Please do not swear"
"Hairy granny minges!"
On China/Tibet relations
"I implore you all, faithful followers, to crap through Hu Jintao's letterbox. It's the only language these curs understand. That and Chinese, obviously"
On the eternal sea of politics
"Man, that Michelle Obama is HOT HOT HOT! I'd spill my karma over her"
On Top Gear
"You really had your foot down going through Gambon, didn't you, Holiness?"
"Totally wankered it"