Yesterday, I entered a local competition to find a better use for an £11m government grant to a local palm oil power plant. A road surface made of penny chews? What a STUPID idea. What was I thinking?
So, I entered again:
Dear NOPE,Hang on - another idea: Three million bricks of Cathedral City and build a mansion out of cheese. I WIN.
Come to think of it, my idea of spending £11m on 1,100,000,000 penny chews for a novelty road surface is a bit of a non-starter, as it will only encourage people into their cars and eat our roadways, the exact opposite of what the NOPE campaign is suggesting in the name of sensible renewable energy.
However, with the 1.1bn chews already ordered (I've taken the liberty of making a few phone calls on your behalf - hope you don't mind), I've decided on a different tack which will, instead, bring together the peoples of Weymouth and Portland, and come 2012, the Olympic family.
I speak, of course, of a 400-foot tall model of antipodean wonder Kylie Minogue, constructed entirely from penny chews, perched on top of the Verne Citadel, reminding each and every one of us of her most famous role: "Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours". Who, I ask, would not be moved by the sight of Monster Kylie, standing athwart Fortuneswell, her message of good neighbourliness played 24 hours-per-day on the bonkers sound system built into her chewy cranium?
And next year, when another £11m lands in our laps, we can build a 400-foot tall model of her wonky-eyed sister Dannii at the other end of Weymouth Bay, playing a selection of her chart hits, whatever they are.
I'm certain you will agree that this idea will certain put Weymouth and Portland on the map, and this time for all the right reasons.
I am not mad.
Stay Lucky, Albert O'Balsam