The phone rings. It is my soon-to-be-ex-wife on a social call.After a few pleasantaries, she throws in - apropos of nothing - "I'm going for one of those fish pedicures tomorrow."
"A what?"
"Fish pedicure. You put your feet in a big bowl of water, and fish eat all the dead skin."
Feh. Cheese grater not good enough for you?
Actually, never mind the cheese grater: Crabs not good enough for you?
But I agree - a fish pedicure is exactly the kind of thing she needs, for it gets her out of the house and away from the stresses and strains of everyday life.
It also gives me a spunker of an idea.
"Hello, is that the Weymouth Fish Pedicure Barn?"
"Yes. Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"You don't happen to have any sharks in stock? Great Whites?"
"No. We do not."
"Could you get hold of a couple? By tomorrow?"
"No, sir. We cannot."
Crap.
12 comments:
Piran-her.
That is all.
Im with pseudo on this one. You were thinking too big.
-skirmishmonkey
If I thought it would improve my looks, I'd stick my head in one of those bowls.
Pity you don't still live at the coast. I'm sure a rampant army of hungry crabs would be just as usefull as the Breat Whites - or was it you put the call out for the Wbite-tips they've been seeing recently?
Yeah, what Pseudo and Anon said...
Yeah, piranhas are a good choice, although with sharks you can always get rid of the evidence at the local chinese restaurant. Plus, PLUS... did you read that news item about those mad scientists getting living cells to lase? Frickin' awseome. Now we can haz sharks with real frickin' lasers built into their heads!
I forgot about crabs. I have added crabs.
CRABS!
I'm sure Psueds could suggest a cream to clear those.
Can't make it to the fish pedicure barn yourself? ... if it helps I will post you a can of tuna chunks that you can put in your foot spa.
Did you ask about piranhas?
good to see you're not bitter
I've had an idea...
"And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig". "
I actually know a pig farmer out in Wilts, not too far from your new abode.
Just sayin'.
Post a Comment