On hospital waiting rooms and cursed cottages

Thursday night, and I am trapped in the waiting room at Frimley Park Hospital's Accident and Emergency Department, waiting for somebody to take a look at my newly-spacked ankle.

Minutes turn into hours turned into days as I am surrounded by members of the skilled and semi-skilled trades with broken arms and screwdrivers sticking out of their heads. A television plays in the background, stuck on Channel Four, much to the disgust of a loud woman who is missing EastEnders.

It's alright for you love, we had to sit through Hollyoaks before you came in, and the number of fucks we give for that is this: ZERO

Presently we are forced to witness the latest smug Channel Four property programme: "Phil Spencer: Secret Agent", in which the the smug celebrity estate agent tries to shift houses that their owners are unable to sell.

"There's no such thing as an unsellable" house, says Spencer smugly over the sound of the the local mumbler, clutching his plastic bag of belongings to his chest in the waiting room.

No such thing as an unsellable house? Try telling that to the owners of Murder Cottage, Old Indian Burial Ground Row, Mass Murder Lane, Murdertown - site of the famous village fete mass murders that inspired the TV series Midsomer Murders, the film Poltergeist and the career of Michael Barrymore.

Phil thinks they'll sell the place with a neutral colour scheme, new carpets throughout and getting Kirstie Allsopp in to carry out an exorcism.

[PING PONG] "Albert O'Balsam to the minor injuries clinic"

And I never found out what happned to the new buyers.

But they're probably dead.