Wednesday, June 03, 2009

On road-testing quality rubber products

"Ere, Geezer - I've got something for you."

"What is it?" I ask, my curiosity pricked at the sound of an otherwise reliable friend addressing me as 'Geezer', "My curiosity is pricked."

"I got hold of a job lot of Mexican rubber johnnies."

"A what of WHAT?"

"Like I said, a metric shitload of Mexican rubber johnnies. Do you want one?"

"Why? What's wrong with them?"

You know, there's nothing quite so bad as getting free Mexican rubber johnnies only to find that a) you don't actually need them on account of having undergone a vasectomy several years ago; and b) they're still attached to the original Mexican

"Oh, nothing. Nothing. They're not – ha! - still attached to the original Mexican if that's what you're thinking."

And thank fuck for that.

"Thank fuck for that. It's not like I want my pecker to shrivel up and fall off or anythi... JEBUS! Look at the size of that box!"

"Yeah, that'll be the battery pack."

"The what?"

"The battery pack. They're Mexican vibrating rubber johnnies."

"Good grief, those Hispanics, eh?"

"They still need to learn a thing or two about miniaturisation," he tells me, You could do yourself a hernia putting that thing on."

"So... that's why you're giving me first dibs, then."

"Yeah, and the fact I've got a box of 250 at home. Bankrupt stock."

My concern rises like a schoolboy faced with his first ever lingerie catalogue.

"Anything else you'd like to declare?"

There is an uncomfortable silence that speaks volumes.

"Errr..." he says…

El Use-by Date: November 2007

"...I'm not terribly certain about the batteries, to be honest. They might have leaked."

Still, a free Mexican vibrating rubber Johnny is a free Mexican vibrating rubber Johnny, and it would be churlish not to accept. In the interests of rescuing global from the depths of recession, I would TAKE THIS DEAL.


"Your funeral, Geezer. I mean... DONE!"

Now for the – for the want of a better turn of phrase – acid test.

I just hope these 24-volt monsters are sufficient for my y y y y nn nnn bz bz bz bz bzBBBZZZZZ nng ngg nnnn it b b b bZZZZZZzzz burns n n n n BURNS! ARGH ARGH a a a aaaaaaRGH! BBzzzz ARGH! aaaahhhh….

Yeah, I'll take a gross. Niche market.

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