So, it's come to this. I've tried to avoid the output of JRRRRRR Tolkein, but a flash of light whilst watching Lord of the Rings the other night had the entire plot mapped out in front of me. On a very, very small map, in the language of today's easily-bored youth.
Not wanting to encourage the obsessives, but there's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish.
The Hobbit by JR Hartley
B. Baggins: Hello. I am Dildo Daggins, and I am excellent. I also have a magic ring, FTWGandalf: I know. I've seen it LOL
B. Baggins: Today, I shall be mostly travelling to the other end of Middle Earth (Twin town: Dudley), having various adventures, before killing the evil dragon TO DEATH and returning safely some time later for a spot of fly fishing.
Gandalf: I shall be tagging along, so I can keep an eye on B. Bagginses magic ring ROFL
Some time later
B. Baggins: There. I have mostly travelled to the other end of Middle Earth, have had various adventures (mostly involving my magic ring), have slain the evil dragon TO DEATH and have returned safely some time later for a spot of fly fishing. WIN!
Everybody else: Oh shitting hell, he's back. We thought you were dead and we've sold all your fly fishing tackle for CASH MONEY. Which we've spent on loose women and Enya albums
B. Baggins: COCK. Anybody want to give me a good old tromboning, then?
Gandalf: Yoinks! Now that's what I call a magic ring, eh readers?
And sod it, while we're here:
Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King by JR Hartley
B. Baggins: Grrrrrr. Magic ring has turned me EVIL. GRRRRRGandalf: Piss. I knew this would happen. I bloody knew it. FAIL
F. Baggins: Fuck it, I'll get rid of the thing, although - mark my words - thousands may die
Thousands: Ouch. That's fucked our fly fishing trip, then.
Gollum: Precious ring, preciousssss.
F. Baggins: There. IT IS DONE, FTW!
Gollum: Ouch. Volcano hot, preciousssss.
Gandalf: Nice one, LOL
19 comments:
DETH, FTW.
Furst.
*sings
Can't help myself. Bad hobbits.
"Guy works down the chipshop..." (c) Terry Pratchett, one of his best gags I think.
Yes, but Scary is a fan of Pterry. As all right minded people should be.
This condensed lit is EXCELLENT.
Yes, that's a Pterry gag. I was most impressed that he wrote an ENTIRE book just so he could do that gag on the last page.
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
As Tolkein, Milne, Barrie and others have a lucrative posthumous existence, I wonder whether SD has overheard his ducklings say something like this about the Scary Empire:
"Yes, it's embarrassing - but if we keep the old boy humoured, when he croaks, we'll get the copyrights and we can milk the brand for years and years."
meanwhile,where is this bugger?
http://juliasegal.tumblr.com/post/206761112/thank-you-mordor-youve-been-a-great-audience
Lords of the Oval?
You're actually not far wrong in twinning Middle Earth with Dudley (Although these days, Dudley's a dead ringer for Mordor).
Tolkien lived in Birmingham.
Lord of the Bullring, then?
I dreamt I wrote The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings last night. I found I'd been Tolkien in my sleep.
/coat
Dudley is part of the Shire (Worcestershire). Mordor is Birmingham. Fact, that is.
I grew up in Dudley. We know these things.
Woohoo! For the first time in agesandagesandages I've managed to get Scary's blog up on my 'puter, YAY!
And double joy, condensed Hobbity Goodness! Rah!
Thanks Scary!
And it's good to be back again, btw.
Did anybody miss me...?
Somebody say something?
;)
That made me chuckle.
There are a number of Films/books/stories that are great for having the piss taken.
Lord of t.... sorry LOTR (got to sound up to date), just makes it too easy.
Good blog
Always have a soft spot for "Bored of the Rings", if only for the classic chapter title "Minas Troney in the Soup".
Good lord, Balders!
Orc.
Post a Comment