Thursday, October 08, 2009

Condensed Literature and soon to be a Condensed Movie: The Hobbit

Condensed Literature and soon to be a Condensed Movie: The Hobbit

So, it's come to this. I've tried to avoid the output of JRRRRRR Tolkein, but a flash of light whilst watching Lord of the Rings the other night had the entire plot mapped out in front of me. On a very, very small map, in the language of today's easily-bored youth.

Not wanting to encourage the obsessives, but there's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish.

The Hobbit by JR Hartley

B. Baggins: Hello. I am Dildo Daggins, and I am excellent. I also have a magic ring, FTW

Gandalf: I know. I've seen it LOL

B. Baggins: Today, I shall be mostly travelling to the other end of Middle Earth (Twin town: Dudley), having various adventures, before killing the evil dragon TO DEATH and returning safely some time later for a spot of fly fishing.

Gandalf: I shall be tagging along, so I can keep an eye on B. Bagginses magic ring ROFL

Some time later

B. Baggins: There. I have mostly travelled to the other end of Middle Earth, have had various adventures (mostly involving my magic ring), have slain the evil dragon TO DEATH and have returned safely some time later for a spot of fly fishing. WIN!

Everybody else: Oh shitting hell, he's back. We thought you were dead and we've sold all your fly fishing tackle for CASH MONEY. Which we've spent on loose women and Enya albums

B. Baggins: COCK. Anybody want to give me a good old tromboning, then?

Gandalf: Yoinks! Now that's what I call a magic ring, eh readers?


And sod it, while we're here:

Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Two Towers of the King by JR Hartley

B. Baggins: Grrrrrr. Magic ring has turned me EVIL. GRRRRR

Gandalf: Piss. I knew this would happen. I bloody knew it. FAIL

F. Baggins: Fuck it, I'll get rid of the thing, although - mark my words - thousands may die

Thousands: Ouch. That's fucked our fly fishing trip, then.

Gollum: Precious ring, preciousssss.

F. Baggins: There. IT IS DONE, FTW!

Gollum: Ouch. Volcano hot, preciousssss.

Gandalf: Nice one, LOL

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