Tuesday, October 06, 2009

On Dorset FACTS

On Dorset FACTS

Just when I thought that the whole FACTS thing had run its course, my local rag draws my attention to the forthcoming Olympic Games and its need for FACT-y goodness.

In a little over 1,000 days, you see, Weymouth and Portland will be playing host to the world as the sailing venue for the 2012 Games. And to celebrate it, the organisers have issued a call for FACTS about Dorset. A thousand of them.

I know what you're thinking: "Just the thousand?" And you're right. It is my patriotic duty to supply as many of these FACTS as I can, irrespective of actual veracity. Or quality, even.

Got a 100% of FACT about the 17th best county in the United Kingdom? Submit it HERE

FACT! The Olympic host city of Weymouth derives its name from Custom House built by the harbour-side as a point-of-entry for butterflies and exotic insects in the Middle Ages. Literally "Weigh Moth". Other excellent Dorset place names include Piddlehinton, Shitterton and the twin villages of Sixpenny Handjob and Thruppenny Cocksucker.

FACT! The last woman burned as a witch in Dorset was one Ethel Cockington of the Isle of Portland "sent to face ye harsh'st judgment of her maker for ye heinous crymes of encourag'ng the propagation of foul, deadly (word deleted, presumably 'rabbits'); caus'ng ye foam'ng DEATH of sheepe belong'ng to Jas Cooper Esq; and lay'ng ye CURSE of idiocy on every first-born son of FORTUNE'S WELL". Due to restrictive EU environmental regulations, Portland Town Council is committed to replacing witch burning with the ducking stool by 2012.

FACT! Jurassic Coast fossil-hunters in Dorset are faced with a fascinating new mystery: the discovery of the petrified remains of a nuclear-powered 1980s De Lorean sports car embedded fifty feet up the cliffs at Charmouth, inside the fossilised bones of a long-dead Tyrannosaurus Rex.

FACT! Excavations for the long-awaited Weymouth Relief Road have thrown new light on how long the town has waited for the route to be built. Archaeologists working on the Ridgeway above the resort have discovered a Dark Age burial pit containing a group of headless corpses, many of whom were carrying placards bearing the words "Ende ye Siege! Releefe Road NOW!", "Save Ye Ocean Roome!" and "NO WINDE FARMS ONN PORTLAND ISLE!"

Mystery surrounds Dorset's famous Cerne Giant hill-carving, north of the county town of Dorchester. Current thinking attributes the Giant's origins to "an incredibly rich man who owned both a bloody great hill and enormous wedding tackle". Counter-claims dismiss this mystery landowner as "a complete liar."

FACT! In a blunder of titanic proportions, Dorset authorities have allowed the construction of Monkey World, the Tank Museum and the Winfrith nuclear facility within little more than a mile of each other. Space travellers from THE FUTUR have sent a despairing message to Purbeck District Council's planning committee damning them all. Damning them all TO HELL.
Too many words. Part II of this EPIC WIN of FACT tomorrow.

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