An open letter to the BNP

An open letter to the BNP

Yeah, yeah, I know: Oxygen of publicity and all that. But if you can't laugh at the loonies, what else is there?

Dear Nick Griffin

Congratulations on your forthcoming appearance on Question Time tonight! I hope you do not spoil this enormous publicity coup for the BNP by – for example – denouncing the leadership of our armed forces as traitors and war criminals, before claiming you were joking like the well-known stand-up comedian that you are.

Oh.

Speaking as a journalist, I abhor that fact that you are to take part in a serious political discussion programme, rather than the Batshit Lunatic Hour on TalkSport, but I would be a screaming hypocrite if I did not defend your right to freedom of speech, just as you should defend mine.

That being the case:

You are a complete disgrace of a human being, not fit to lick the boots of those who died for the freedom of this nation and the right to allow you to talk out of your sphincter like the outpourings of rancid meat diarrhoea from the back end of a sick dog.

There. Fair's fair. You get your say, I get mine.

Many of your party members claim they can trace their patriotic English roots back the best part of a thousand years. I've got news for you, my wonky-faced friend – I can trace both of our sets of ancestors back to the Cambrian explosion of 580 million years ago, the only difference being that the IQ on your side has actually declined over the millennia.

You're an educated man, so I bet it really pains you when you pass the bucket round at your BNP Karaoke night and Hitler-thons to see all those crisp fivers, knowing that the reverse features images of noted anti-slavery campaigners in the company of lefty do-gooder Elizabeth Fry.

Just one last thing before I bid thee farewell: I note that you have left our glorious England and emigrated to a farm in mid-Wales. Tell me – have you bothered learning the indigenous language? Or was Dr Doolittle otherwise engaged?

Of course you don't fuck sheep. Just a little – in your own words – dark humour.

Still, best of luck tonight. But remember – the heckling, barracking and insults you'll be getting are not some huge lefty Zionist Islamic plot to destroy your party. It's because everybody knows you're a national disgrace and a diseased phallus of the first order.

Your pal,

Duck (Scary)