This is my story and I'm sticking to it.You see, one of the plastic toilet seats at work cracked in two.
Or, if you're like that: 'crack'd in twain'.
Desperate, all the other stalls occupied, and willing to take a risk, I decided to go for it on the bog with the broken seat.
So: I was sitting there with the Guardian Sports section, unloading last night's corn-on-the-cob, and I felt myself sliding ever-so-slightly forward.
At the exact moment when I feared I might fall off the front of the crapper and do myself a hideous facial injury of the type people only ever seem to get from falling off bathroom appliances, I lifted my right buttock a little with the view to repositioning myself safely back on the seat.
CLAP!
The sound of the toilet seat snapping back into shape, biting a lump out of my backside.
"Outspan and AAARGH!" I said in surprise and alarm, fleeing from the cubicle of doom, modestly barely intact.
All forgotten until the weekend, when I am undressing for bed.
"Darling," asks the Fragrant Mrs Duck, "Why have you got a love bite on your arse?"
"Err... it's not what you think."
Sofa.
20 comments:
I believe the correct phrase is 'downloading last night's corn-on-the-cob' due to 2 factors - firstly, gravity works in a downwards direction and secondly, most of the stuff available to download these days is shit.
And saying you got it off a dodgy toilet seat is the oldest excuse in the book. And not true. The doctor assures me toilet seats cannot pas on this type of 'injury'.
You see, you've embellished the story far too much for it to be believable. I knew I couldn't trust you to deliver the cover story properly. Well, on your own head be it.
I learnt at the tender age of 11, at Charmouth sea front, that a broken loo seat can give you a painful tweak, enough to make your eyes water.
VERY tender.
Ouchy, sore cherry red bum woe.
p.s. perhaps you could put some cream on it?
This is what yesterday's blog was really about: you're softening us up so you can post a HD photo of your gluteus maxima; who do you think you are? - Christopher Eccleston?
Crack. LOL.
"Outspan and AAARGH!" is going to be my new motto. Just for today.
Almost as embarassing as the ex-manger of mine who declared to our ethnically diverse office.
"Hey, I've just been to the toilet and got a Blacks Man's pinch on my arse"
lol, lol and again, lol!
Having had the same thought as Westengland, may I just say that my imagination has supplied ample - nay, more than ample - visual embelishment to your tale of woe and arse-biteyness, and I am quite content to continue life without glimpsing the tail-end of your Duckishness.
kthksbye
I've been wondering where this incident really took place. What private toilets leave cracked seats unrepaired and have "stalls" fully occupied? Would it be one of those public conveniences often found near bus stations where cries of "Outspan and AAARGH!" are said to be common occurrences? Perhaps it was that Dorchester one said to be known as "Thomas Hardy's Cottage".
I suppose it could have been worse. Mention 'crack' and 'buttock' at an airport and you would have been singled out as a mule.
"Outspan and AAARGH!" will be echoing across Canadia this night.
Now tell us what really happened.
You don't have to explain it to us, or make excuses, because we know that in reality it IS a love bite.
Anyway, we are not interested in your arse or what you had to eat the night before, but do tell us; was she good? And when's the divorce?
No matter how painful it sounds I can't help but think it could have been even more painful if something else had got caught.
Stu ~ You mean his fingers? Yes I agree, that could have been nasty.
When he went for a wee somebody else would have to hold it for him.
Don't look at me!
Happened to me too.
Teehee!
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