It's that time of year again, when the undead walk the Earth, and the air is rank with rotting flesh. But enough of The X Factor - what about Hallowe'en, eh?
FACT! Contrary to recent studies, Zombies and Vampires are NOT repelled by the music of Celine Dion. In fact, "My Heart Will Go On", is a perennial favourite with the undead.FACT! A brain-eating zombie attack on this year's British National Party conference was thwarted when the legions of undead perished through starvation.
FACT! Recent human rights law make make nail guns and rabid dogs legal defence against rubbish trick-or-treaters.
TOP TIP! Ladies - Why not scare the kiddiewinks this year with a none-more-scary Vanessa George horror mask? Also available: Maxine Carr, Karen Matthews, Cheryl Cole.
TOP TIP! Vampires - Stop hanging around university halls of residence looking for fresh blood. All the virgins are long gone.
TOP TIP! Ancient Egyptians - Stop wrapping your errant high priests in bandages and cursing them to an eternity walking the Earth ripping people's arms off. It's hardly going to stop them re-offending, is it?
TOP TIP! Zombies - Why not try varying your diet? Aside from spicy brains, entrails, buttocks and green giant sweet corn all count towards your 'five-a-day'.
FACT! Now available from your local Toys 'Я' Us - Castle Dracula Cluedo. Hint: Colonel Van Helsing, in the cellar, with the wooden stake.
FACT! Before pumpkin-carving became a hallowe'en tradition, revellers instead carved beetroot, pineapples and the heads of recently-deceased relatives.FACT! Think about it - you've never seen Tory leader David Cameron's reflection. And in the name of balance, we should point out that Gordon 'Alucard' Brown does not cast a shadow, and is actually a driving instructor from the Transvaal
TOP TIP! Mums - Why not spice up a dull Hallowe'en party by inviting guests to bob for kittens?
9 comments:
I have been able to save large dollar amounts on previous Halloweens simply by calling, as the trick-or-treaters knock on the door, 'Jeffrey! The Human Sacrifices are here'. With persistent ones, I will answer the door holding a knife.
They never ask for sweets.
I mean, do I look American?
"FACT! Contrary to recent studies, Zombies and Vampires are NOT repelled by the music of Celine Dion. In fact, "My Heart Will Go On", is a perennial favourite with the undead."
True dat.
FACT! In Canada, playing the music of Celine Dion is the traditional, time-tested, fail-proof way to test that one is not a vampire or zombie. If creature in question clutches its ears and screams in an unholy, elongated wail, it is human and should be allowed to live. If even the smallest smile begins to spread, SHOOT IMMEDIATELY before it gets your BRAINZ.
I like to make sure that my "treats" for Tick or Treaters all contain nuts. And stuff that sets off lactose people as well. Except for the year I got some cola flavoured chocolate that make my sister sick and the dog wouldn't touch. That was really good.
For some reason the kids don't come to my house. Not even the bigger kids who pour paint through your letterbox.
Of course Celine Dion does not repel the undead. It's the leaving she repels.
The little cun...teenagers who throw eggs at people and their houses on Halloween in my area have been reported as using Facebook to coordinate and encourage themselves.
This is a good way of alerting the Scaryduck community (sic) to a report in the new "Private Eye" (just out in the UK): apparently, an obscure techie-hack called "Rhodri Marsden" has been letting hinself go on the subject of pseudonym-using blog commenters on his Facebook entry - and all because somebody pointed out to him that "app" wasn't short for "Apple".
Mr Marsden, it seems, resorts to most declensions of the f-word and the plural of the c-word in his tirade against...well, us. I'm minded to think that this Cambrian Klutz should learn that "if you hand it out, don't moan if it's handed back to you...with knobs on". Any suggestions? (I'm not on Facebook so can't send him "appropriate" messages). "Jan Moir last week - Rhodri Marsden this week " (maybe we can all get mentioned in the next "Private Eye" - "Britain's biggest selling current affairs magazine).
Saw your tweet about "The Sun launches the world's worst blog http://bit.ly/329FhY "
...have to agree. It's a steaming pile of hackneyed crap.
I wanted to respond to his recycled rant about petrol stations being mini-malls by posting "try Pay-at-pump you arsehole", but I have to sign up to leave a comment.
Sod that.
Bobbing for pussy, that's got me interested!
the wicked wiccan says Booooo,
booooo, don't cross my path on halloween or any other ween. If ya know what I mean. I just love scaring children don't ya think it's hugely amusing when they squeal and then run.
I do the same to women and men! Okay then sue me! Or Johnny Depp actor extrodinaire, handswom e as all get-go. Don't ask me okay.
I guess you know my line of witchery. Sorceres incandance, and oh so good to fly me own broom.
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