On Hallowe'en FACTS
It's that time of year again, when the undead walk the Earth, and the air is rank with rotting flesh. But enough of The X Factor - what about Hallowe'en, eh?
FACT! Contrary to recent studies, Zombies and Vampires are NOT repelled by the music of Celine Dion. In fact, "My Heart Will Go On", is a perennial favourite with the undead.
FACT! A brain-eating zombie attack on this year's British National Party conference was thwarted when the legions of undead perished through starvation.
FACT! Recent human rights law make make nail guns and rabid dogs legal defence against rubbish trick-or-treaters.
TOP TIP! Ladies - Why not scare the kiddiewinks this year with a none-more-scary Vanessa George horror mask? Also available: Maxine Carr, Karen Matthews, Cheryl Cole.
TOP TIP! Vampires - Stop hanging around university halls of residence looking for fresh blood. All the virgins are long gone.
TOP TIP! Ancient Egyptians - Stop wrapping your errant high priests in bandages and cursing them to an eternity walking the Earth ripping people's arms off. It's hardly going to stop them re-offending, is it?
TOP TIP! Zombies - Why not try varying your diet? Aside from spicy brains, entrails, buttocks and green giant sweet corn all count towards your 'five-a-day'.
FACT! Now available from your local Toys 'Я' Us - Castle Dracula Cluedo. Hint: Colonel Van Helsing, in the cellar, with the wooden stake.
FACT! Before pumpkin-carving became a hallowe'en tradition, revellers instead carved beetroot, pineapples and the heads of recently-deceased relatives.
FACT! Think about it - you've never seen Tory leader David Cameron's reflection. And in the name of balance, we should point out that Gordon 'Alucard' Brown does not cast a shadow, and is actually a driving instructor from the Transvaal
TOP TIP! Mums - Why not spice up a dull Hallowe'en party by inviting guests to bob for kittens?