I've noticed, driving between Reading and Weymouth in the Renault Scenic OF DOOM on a weekly basis, that certain makes of car attract certain types of drivers.My study, backed up with actual SCIENCE, reveals one or two things we already know for FACT, plus a surprising conclusion that needs to be reinforced by violence against a certain type of individual so as to maintain my excellent yet ultimately selfish way of life.
So: As any Top Gear viewer will tell you, Audis and BMWs are almost exclusively driven by cocks, whereas anything with a Rover, Proton or Kia badge is likely to have a pensioner peeking up over the steering wheel.
And it struck me.
Nissans.
They're driven by imbeciles. That's why I always check the sole of my shoe when I walk through the front door – just in case I've stepped on a Nissan Micra and I end up treading some clueless granny up the hall carpet *again*.
And the Nissan Note. How do these people remember to breathe and drive at the same time?
Nissan Note drivers: I've got a note for you. One that I'd like to staple to your forehead:
"Learn to drive"
Excluded from this rant: The Fragrant Mrs Duck. *cough* Nissan Almera *cough*. Excellent driver.
23 comments:
The New Mini drivers. Apparently they're all cool and UK foreva in their heads, but in reality, their legs are too short to get up into a real car.
I had a real Mini, back in the day..
*sighs nostalgically*
So did I. Bits kept falling off it.
Honda. When they announced they were giving away a book on how to avoid road rage with every new vehicle Jeremy Clarkson said "You want to know how to avoid road rage? Don't buy a bloody Honda!".
Says it all really.
A pedestrian writes:
Don't drive. Can't drive. Won't drive. Buses, trains and walking.
Try to avoid car lifts due to "friends" driving skills (or lack thereof).
Wouldn't think of getting into a car driven by somebody under twenty-five or over seventy.
When I borrowed the boss' BMW and was courteous to fellow drivers, you could see the confusion on their faces...
Not sure a renault driver can safely criticise nissan drivers as Renault and Nissan almost own each other http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4291105.stm
Pseudonymph: I have a friend who drives a Mini. She's a bona fide little person, so yes, her legs are too short to get up into a real car. She's also a graphic designer, so the cool factor of the Mini is perfect for her...
Skodas?
Ladas, too.
I was contemplating the Nissan Versa. Now I'll have to take your research into account.
BMW, Audi and Mercedes are all fitted with immobilisers... for the driver's brains.
Honda Jazz, only ever driven by under 65's when picking up the owner of the vehicle from the police impound where the befuddled individual has ended up after forgetting where they live (again).
I have recently migrated from a Rover (complete with driving cap and checkered rug on the parcel shelf) to a Toyota.
And as ane fule no, all Toyotas are driven by sex-starved housewives who are just gagging for it. Allegedly.
A Toyota what, Audrey? Not that I'm doing a guessing game or anything...
A Toyota smug-bastard.
Now listen, Duck. *Coughs*. I drive a Rover 600. It is a rebadged Honda Accord. And I love it. And I will drive slowly, in my slippers, listening to Ken Bruce, if I really want to. But I have had it up to 110 before my bottle went. Now, I am also my ex's named driver on her Motability car. She's a good driver, she learned in Norway and they do driving up and down mountains on sheet ice as standard in their test. All we have to do is remember some signs and reverse round a corner on the flat and no fucker can do that properly - I know this because everyone in Crewe practises at the entrance to my road. She drives a Nissan. A Note. A nice red one. I drive it too. Her previous Motability car was a Renault. A Grand Scenic (the new ones, not the one like the Silver Hornet). She's fearsome when she's upset, why do you think we split up? Shall I send her round?
I see they pulled Scary from the canal again, following late night bingeing, sickinnahedge etc..
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/8326053.stm
@Richard...learners reversing into your road? I reckon I must live opposite...
No Skoda jokes, please, the owners are sensible , sensitive souls :)
Mazda 666.
I added 40 for good luck.
I'm disturbed that after reading the phrase "The Fragrant Mrs. Duck", I noticeably inhaled.
hai...
i'm from indonesia......
Zimmer. Opposite = cemetery (close enough).
After a few crashes and a few more years of observation and experience, FORD DRIVERS...BLOODY FORD DRIVERS.....CAN'T FIND THEIR ARSE (OR THEIR BRAKES) WITH A MAP....SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED ON THE ROAD UNLESS THEY'RE STAPLED TO THE FRONT OF A TRUCK.
Tzonar
@Richard.. lol wrong end of town.. only go up that way now to visit the Skoda dealer..
Zimmer - You ARE local?
@Richard. Indeed I am local. More scarily I was once local to where Scary went to college.
Even scarier, when my daughter saw one of Scary's videos a bit back she reckoned I could pass for his better looking older brother and he sounded very much like me, too...!
Problem is, I support Spurs (somebody has to..) and he.... doesn't :)
http://www.zimmermotorcars.com/index.php?page=4-door-convertible
Well, did you ever? A Zimmer ! I do not think I will be swapping the Skoda in just yet...
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