Bad writing is an art, and I should know. As a bad writer myself, I should know a thing or two about bad writing. Follow these EXCELLENT tips, and you'll soon be a bad writer like me!!Multiple exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!Books, everybody! Let's hear it for terrible books!
Write your historical fiction as a cutting satire of life in Tony Bliar's ZaNu Lie-Bore government
Make sure your hero is a mute, orphaned only child. Saves a lot of writing. And dialogue.
Leave your reader guessing. Introduce your villain in the penultimate chapter
Take your cue from the Daily Mail readers' comments,,,,,,, the only worthwhile punctuation is the multiple comma,,,,,,,,,,,,
See what's no.1 in the bestsellers, then write a hilarious parody. Readers LOVE parody. This week: Forty-nine Shades of Grey
Follow Stephen King's example by spending thirty pages building up a character, his hopes, dreams, fears and complex family life in Bangor, Maine. Then kill him and never refer to him again
Get your work more widely read by ending every chapter "RT if you read this and thought of Justin Bieber"
End every chapter with "Little did they know, it was a decision that would come back to haunt them." Just like Dan Brown
Make sure your reader knows the exact tone of voice a character is speaking in by ending the sentence with an adverb, he said loudly
When describing bedroom unpleasantness, ensure that all mentions of human anatomy are kept as indirect as possible: "He probed her fragrant rosebush with his tumescent candlestick-holder"
Send your manuscript in to a prospective publisher in 20-point Comic Sans (The Font of Champions), with every character given a different colour
There is currently no book-of-the-film for Two Girls, One Cup. There's a fortune to be made for somebody
End your story "The End... or is it?"
...and it was all a dream
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