Alas, I catch myself watch commerical television during the afternoon again, and their advertisements are aimed toward the kind of person they think watches commericial television in the afternoons.
Which is why I find myself caught up in the drama of message on behalf of a dog adoption charity. "When you sponsor," said the voice-over, "your dog will write".
My ears prick up, much like a surprised dog, for I did not know that illiteracy in canines was an issue. Well, that certainly reeled me in, because if my tenner can teach a dog to read and write, who knows what we can achieve?
Alas, my research turned up a sad state of affairs. A fiver, I am told, only gets you an illiterate mongrel, while a hundred pounds lets a guide dog take an afternoon off work every week to go to college.
Of course, the more money you have, the greater your level of access, up to a level that can only be termed scandalous. Stump up £250,000, and you get a pedigree animal that gets to have a steak lunch with David Cameron's dog and discuss government canine policy.
However, as political commentators have pointed out, Cameron doesn't actually own a dog, leading us to reveal that this creature is - in fact - merely Nick Clegg in a fancy dress shop Scooby Doo outfit. A political scandal that leads all the way to the very top.
An extra fifty notes lets you tickle him on the tummy, no questions asked.
POST SCRIPT: Here's my actual exchange with the Dogs Trust whose advert it was:
And they send me this...
They are 100 per cent getting a donation. And you should too.