How Twitter has killed the English language utterly TO DEATH

I've been saying it for years: The internet really went downhill the moment they dropped the written exam. Nowadays, they just let anybody online, regardless of whether or not they've got the most basic grasp of their mother tongue.

This lowering of standards can be easily observed just by taking your life into your hands and reading the bottom half of the internet: For example, the comments on any YouTube video or Daily Mail news item. I gave up on the bottom half of the internet some time ago, and my stress levels have fallen off the bottom of the scale.

But that doesn't mean we can stop being a complete internet snob and have a bit of fun. There are over 600,000,000 accounts on Twitter, and a significant number of these didn't listen in school, and the mangling of the English language leads to literally minutes of fun. I've scraped laughs out of Twitter users saying somebody is "with the angles" whenever a celebrity shuffles off this mortal coil for quite some time now, but I've recently exanded my repertoire to cover these aces:

Damp squid / Damp squib



Chess pains / Chest pains


Pedal stool / Pedestal


Carpool tunnel / Carpal tunnel


Kniving / Conniving


Rediculas / Ridiculous


Liable / Libel


Coldslaw / Coleslaw


This is quite possibly my favourite Tweet of all time, and "lactose and tolerant" opens up whole new rolling vistas of derp.

(Turns out that one's from a pretty awesome parody account. Here's a real one, then)



I could go on. "Low selves of steam". "Hammydowns". Our civilisation is doomed.

And while we're here, let's take a quick look at online tat warehouse eBay. Surely nobody's murdering the language there?


Oh. Chester draws.