Wednesday, March 31, 2010

On alien invasion

On alien invasion

Let's face it - we're not alone in the universe, and it is a cruel, cruel galaxy for small, defenceless blue planets.

Sooner or later, a bunch of heavily-armed ne'er-do-wells from the Planet Tharg is going to turn up to beat the living crap out of us, enslave humanity, eat our brains and force us to take part in televised gaditorial combat.

Whatever the scenario, it's not going to be pretty.

Like inter-galactic Boy Scouts, we've got to be prepared.

And with the planet still in a relatively backward state with hardly a jetpack or phased plasma rifle to be had, we've got to devise some sort of alternative planetary defence strategy that is not based on force.

In short, when your average tyrannical, brain-eating, gladiator-fetish space alien regards our planet with envious eyes, we've got to make the place look like it's not worth invading.

Therefore, I propose that the UN adopts the following for the sake of mankind.

- Pump the landmasses, atmosphere and seas with pollution and radioactivity

- Beam 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' and Katie Price reality shows into space

- Poison intellectual discourse and discussion by allowing a) Richard Littlejohn, b)Sarah Palin and c) Australian politicians

- Worship an invisible, all-powerful sky zombie who will save us all, providing we are worthy of his mercy

- The creation of a Earth Invasion Information Hotline where the operators are permanently too busy to take calls ("Press one to invade Earth, Press two to set up a lunar colony")

On closer inspection, it appears we are doing these things already. As you were.

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