Let's face it - we're not alone in the universe, and it is a cruel, cruel galaxy for small, defenceless blue planets.Sooner or later, a bunch of heavily-armed ne'er-do-wells from the Planet Tharg is going to turn up to beat the living crap out of us, enslave humanity, eat our brains and force us to take part in televised gaditorial combat.
Whatever the scenario, it's not going to be pretty.
Like inter-galactic Boy Scouts, we've got to be prepared.
And with the planet still in a relatively backward state with hardly a jetpack or phased plasma rifle to be had, we've got to devise some sort of alternative planetary defence strategy that is not based on force.
In short, when your average tyrannical, brain-eating, gladiator-fetish space alien regards our planet with envious eyes, we've got to make the place look like it's not worth invading.
Therefore, I propose that the UN adopts the following for the sake of mankind.
- Pump the landmasses, atmosphere and seas with pollution and radioactivity
- Beam 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' and Katie Price reality shows into space
- Poison intellectual discourse and discussion by allowing a) Richard Littlejohn, b)Sarah Palin and c) Australian politicians
- Worship an invisible, all-powerful sky zombie who will save us all, providing we are worthy of his mercy
- The creation of a Earth Invasion Information Hotline where the operators are permanently too busy to take calls ("Press one to invade Earth, Press two to set up a lunar colony")
On closer inspection, it appears we are doing these things already. As you were.
11 comments:
Frist!
And a bit of a typo there, Scary. Shurely you meant "gayditorial combat".
Bummy aliens? Are you sure?
Turd for gadiators. It's not a giant cotton bud, they really are happy to see you.
If the Alians land in the East end of Glasgow they'll run away screaming from the locals - they'll need to run 'cos the Neds will ha e totalled their spaceships.
Tell me more about these inter-galactic Boy Scouts...
Hhhmmmm... given everything we are doing to drive the aliens away I might just join them so I can get away too.
You make the assumption, altogether understandable due to the overwhelming media hype put out by G.Lucas and such, that the aliens are all giant and come from a giant planet full of muscley octopus-headed gadiators. In fact, all alien spaceships are the size and, in the earth's atmosphere, the consistency of a dog turd. Easily dealt with. This is 100% fact, there are loads of the buggers on the open space near me but HARDLY ANY dogs!
Ssshh, Richard. You'll give us away.
Oh.
"make the place look like it's not worth invading". You're too sodding late mate, it's already a festering heap of rat-poo.
Why do you think so many people are emigrating to Mars and Venus?
I'm on another planet most of the time myself.
It's great here on Uranus, why don't you pop round sometime for a glass of Scringdelix (the local brew, tastes just like Norwegia Weasel Piss)
Sorry, got a bit carried away there . . . . .
I believe that Sarah Palin IS an alien!
i has landed! egads! shriek! scream! aw why do you have to be so mean! oh ye toothless one-eyed one.
me master from smerks! the planet that got it, me okay! yes thanks a lot.
me master done lost the disaster plan to get me out of this freakin! hell! oh hi lucifer. hi how are ye.
cough, hiccoup! when me master was younger he knwe much better. oh tally-ho and away i poof!
tree ye hardly knew me! ouch.
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