To a cheap clip joint in Caversham to have my flowing locks shorn from my head.As I sat in the barber's chair to order my Number Four buzz-cut, a couple of scruffy types amble in off the street. You know the type: Oozing guilty and the owners of a thousand watts of moron, broadcast straight into the fillings in your teeth.
"You'll have to pay up front," says the barber-euse to the ne'er-do-wells as they take a seat in the waiting area, "You've been in here before an' you did a runner."
"Who - us?" one of them protests, playing the victim to the hilt, "It was ...err... somebody else what looks like me. Honest. I never done no runner or nuffin'."
"And," she said, clearly on a roll, "You did the same at the last place I worked. In fact – fuck off."
"Yeah? You goin' to make us?" they demand, clearly ignorant of the fact that they are not the ones in possession of a healthy supply of freshly-stropped Wilkinsons.
"No, but my husband is."
Enter a huge, muscled gentleman, his arms bearing tattoos reading "I [heart] barbering" and "I also [heart] breaking people's legs when they run off without paying."
They fucked off, without even waiting for their something for the weekend.
Not ten minutes previously, I was at the cash machine, withdrawing funds for my forthcoming Number Four buzz-cut.
"Excuse me," says a not unattractive young lady, "But the machine's eaten my card, and I haven't got enough money for food and the bus fare home. Can you lend me ten pounds?"
I looked her up and down, then back up again, remembering the hideous ordeal an online pal endured recently, when faced with an equally alluring cleavage.
Two words: "Heard it."
Her reply is equally to the point: "Fair cop."
18 comments:
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don't quit and keep writing as a result it simply just truly worth to follow it.
looking forward to see a lot more of your own articles, thanks!
"Yes"
Turd.
Can you lend me a fiver for the weekend?
Scary and Anonymous, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...
Debster: Are you going to pay me back?
(Any reply must include the words 'shifty eyes')
"...as a result it simply just truly worth to follow it."
Couldn't have put it better myself. This blog has been truly worth to follow for simply years.
May many a future hedge be the recipient of your rich, brown puke, Mr Duck.
Awww, you guys.
No, really. You guys.
Flowing locks? This description is useless without pics.
Of course I would pay you back. It's part of the free beer offer (applicants must live in Brazzaville, offer expires October 1968).
Stick with a number 4 - I asked my barber for a number 2 and all he said was "around the corner, third on the left, just follow your nose".
p.s. Silver Hornet features extensively in google street view. Not that I'm a creepy internet stalker or anything.
Are you sure? Google Street View visited on a day I was out. The pics show The Blue Hornet (no relation)
In fact, the Silver Hornet you see is my neighbour's Silver Hornet
So.
Ah, but has Google Street View captured the delights of Mrs. Warboys (name changed to protect the guilty)?
No. No they have not.
Btw, I have just used the word "SPANGED" in Scrabble.
Slow day.
My favourite part is the three people across t'road watching the Googlers.
"Photos o' t'street? Luxury! Why in my day, we 'ad t' draw picture of street on t' back o' the butcher paper."
"Butcher paper? Luxury! We had to trace picture of t'street in t'sand wi' our fin-gers."
"Fingers! Luxury! [the rest of this comment deleted for the sake of all out tummies. The hedges on Scary's street have taken enough of a beating, methinks.]"
Now that I mention it, there's not a lot of hedges 'round your way, are there?
The barber in Emmer Green occupies a former lock-up that was used as a mail drop for a scud delivery service. He still gets copies of "Belgian Betty" and "Red, Hot Poultry".
And why do male hairdressers always have terrible hair?
I am not Kelly Monteith.
I would probably have asked her to perform a sex act.
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