On the countryside

On the countryside

I went and visited the countryside recently, and it was excellent. It's got animals, trees, things growing in the fields and lots of dead stuff lying by the side of the road.

I would recommend it to anyone.

While I was there, a gentleman in a smock leaning on a five-bar gate told me a few interesting facts about the countryside. Oh yes.

When I eventually regained consciousness, I immediately wrote these closely-guarded secrets of the Agricultural Illumianti down in my Big Stolen Bob Monkhouse Book of Gags to put on the internets:

- The best way to tell the age of a horse is to cut it in two and count the rings

- Every year civil servants are allowed a two week skiing holiday on the European Butter Mountain in the French Alps, paid for by YOU the British taxpayer. While they are away, their jobs are filled by lazy foreign immigrants who spend their working hours – paid for by YOU the British taxpayer – pushing donkeys out of church towers

- All farm tractors are capable of 0-60mph in less than ten seconds and have a top speed that makes the Bugatti Veyron look like a broken wheelbarrow. It's just that your average farmer is a complete bastard

- Correction: The best way to tell the age of a horse is to wait for its birthday and take a peek at his cards

- The full scientific name for the dreaded Foot & Mouth disease is 'Foot, Mouth, Tits, Arses, Fannies and Things' and is most notable for finishing off poor, dead Jim Davidson

- The concept of the so-called 'countryside' is simply an excuse to get Kate Humble and Julia Bradbury wrestling in a paddling pool full of slurry. This is yet to happen

- The well-known countryside phrase "Ooh-Arrrr" is short for "Ooh Arrrr a complete twunt"