Monday, March 01, 2010

On staging medical trials for fun, vengeance and profit

On staging medical trials for fun, vengeance and profit

Our pals at the Speak Your Brains website have prodded me towards the website of a gentleman who is very active on discussion boards around the net. People might call him eccentric - or worse - but I prefer to think of him as an enlightened visionary.

Pioneering inventor of Economy 7, the man whose personal intervention ended the Cold War, opinion former and medical theorist, our man postulates that his Kadir-Buxton Method can cure the nation's myriad mental health problems at a saving of £100bn. Per year. Wow.

And Andrew Kadir-Buxton's method is - as far as I can see - this:

- Stand facing the patient

- Clench fists

- Aim for a point just below the ears

- Beat them unconscious

- When the patient comes round, you will find that he is cured
According to the inventor, this cure also works for Alzheimer's (which he claims is a loss of IQ linked with curable mania that can be addressed to a good punch in the head), and muggers.

As far as I can tell from his informative website, he is absolutely serious in his claims and is not a nutter at all.

And who – I ask – can argue with this calibre of research into the heart-rending problem of fertility?

"All [fallopian tube] blockages that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities."

Tell me more about these lesbian students. This is a branch of science that has been criminally under-funded.

The cure, our man says, appears to be a practice known as "fisting". Whatever that is, but I am sure that there are lemonade-drinking students who are able to provide an explanation.

Alas for medical science, Mr Kadir-Buxton is yet to find a psychiatrist or medical practitioner who is willing to subject his claims to the rigours of peer review.

It was sitting in a long, frustrating meeting just the other day that I realised that I AM THE MAN FOR THIS JOB.

The list of names I was compiling were - it dawned on me - not people marked for death the moment I find myself in a middle management position with access to firearms, but a list of potential subjects to take part in Kadir-Buxton Method medical trials.

And the law says they have to sign consent forms first. Where's the justice?

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