On David Beckham
New Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy wrote a poem about poor, dead David Beckham's ruptured Achilles Tendon, being the kind on calamity that brings this once-proud nation to its knees.
Naturally, it's the kind of poncy classical allegory that doesn't even rhyme you'd come to expect from these wallahs who have never in their lives directed a chant of "You're going home in a Red Cross ambulance" toward the opposing team's elderly season ticket holders.
So - having experienced Wembley Stadium's legendary river of piss and the jolly old welcome you expect on away trips to northern grounds, I wrote one from the heart:
Ode to David Beckham's Foot-Knack
David Beckham gave his foes the willies
But now he's ruptured his Achilles
England's World Cup chances are in the dock
Thanks to Beckham's foot
And John Terry's cock.
Have at that, Duffy.