On The Budget
That Alistair Darling, eh?
Not only has he shamelessly stolen my name, but he's been running around spending our money, pretending he's some sort of grand fromage.
Yesterday, as you might have heard, the unofficial Alistair Darling unleashed his pre-election Budget on the people of our once-proud nation, smacking - as is his prerogative - a 10p-in-the-pound tax on the noble drink of Cider.
Yes, I know what you're thinking: At last he's decided to tax the one part of society that's managed to escape the wrath of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.
Tramps are now going to have to pay their way.
Add to that 300% tax increases on hairy string, cardboard and Salvation Army soup on top of the Tramp Fuel duty, and you can see he's squeezing the influential vagrant vote until the pips squeak.
A few other Budget measures you might have missed in all the noise about stamp duty and millionaire hobos:
- Tax doubled on three-ply toilet paper and Hobnob biscuits. THE GIT
- £10m one-off payment to all Alistairs, funded by a £10m windfall tax on all Alastairs. RESULT!
- In an effort to shut down the Daily Star, an 80p punative tax on all mentions of Katie Price in the media
- A £500m scientific fund to explore ways of launching Michael Winner into space. BLATANT ELECTIONEERING
- £30m to be set aside to allow the teabagging of Conservative leader David Cameron and the motorboating of Nigella Lawson on Sundays
And finally, in a move that has been rightly condemned for its rampant self interest: Duty abolished on Just For Men Eyebrows and Nasal Hair
So, as a public service, why not try our Budget 2010 ready reckoner, and see how you've fared in this year's financial shake-up.
Are you better off in 2010?