The phone rings.I run downstairs.
"You're on fire!" shouts a shrill, yet cultured female voice.
"Wait...what?"
"You're on fire! I can see the smoke!"
I run outside, clutching the phone. I am, it turns out, not on fire.
"Are you sure I'm on fire?"
"Yes!" says Mrs Shrill, now even more shrill and slightly less cultured, "I'm in Preston and I can see the smoke and the flames."
Preston is on the other side of town.
"Hang on...who do you think I am?"
"The RSPB. AND YOU'RE ON FIRE!"
"I'm in Wyke Regis and I am most certainly not on fire. If there is one thing missing from my life at the moment, it is the discovery of fire."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Yes I am. I was just about to take a shower, I'll have you know."
"Oh. Sorry. Must be a wrong number, then."
"Also, I am in my front garden and naked."
"......!"
Pants on fire.
Alternative ending suggested by the girl Scaryduckling
"No worries, love. We're just getting rid of a few excess swans. You couldn't pop over to Morrisons for a bottle of barbecue sauce?"
17 comments:
What she was trying to say in her roundabout way was that you're hot.
No, really.
This post useless without cctv footage. And the woman on the phone sounds in my head like Penelope Keith.
Turd.
You sure there wasnt a flaming bag on the doorstep?
Heathen! don't you know it should be brown sauce with swan - not barbecue?
I'll have a drumstick, please...
I'll have a trumpet. You can't beat a trumpet.
That's how the fire of London got so out of hand. the person trying to warn everyone phoned Manchester by mistake.
Cupo. "That's cupo. You're on fire. cupo" Cupo.
Have you checked Youtube?
Heh. I bet they looked the number up in the phone book under "Duck sanctuary".
Ducks eating swans...a little on the cannibalistic side of things, isn't it?
Mmmmm! Crispy duck! Wonder if they will be handing out Hoisin sauce and pancakes before the Radipole reserve guided tours >:)
This anything to do with you, Scary?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/8250295.stm
After a recent trip to Asda: Yes.
Check Bing Maps. It'll tell you if you were on fire 18 months ago.
And BBQ sauce on swan? HOW are you RAISING that poor, sweet girl. It is curry and nothing but as evry fule no.
I was always told that if the neighbours catch you prancing around the yard in the nood then you should just wave back - unfortunately the judge told me that I should be more selective what I wave next time.
p.s. Cenred: severe meeting rage perhaps - did they find any parchment point presentations with those bodies?
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