Monday, September 21, 2009

On poor, dead H from Steps

On poor, dead H from Steps

In these days of global terrorism and the continuing recession, it's easy to forget the simple things in life, such as neglecting to execute a mob contract on H from Steps, made to look like a run-of-the-mill death by bizarre space-hopper accident.

Needless to say, I might well fit the 90's Welsh pop sensation into my busy schedule. However, readers might be interested to know how poor, dead H from Steps has shaped our modern lives:

- Tragic pop star H from Steps turned to a life in the entertainment industry after being put up for adoption by his Secret Service parents "M" and "Q". He has never met his twin brother LL Cool J and has no idea of his successful music career.

- In his native Welsh language, H from Steps is known as "H from Steps, isn't it?"

- After winning his copyright case, every time you use the letter "H", you must pay H from Steps 0.0000000001p. To get around this, web users are encouraged to use |-| instead. Up yours, |-| from Steps!

- H from Steps prides himself on being the first celebrity to take the official Big Bus tour of Jordan's chuff. Unimpressed, he successfully asked for his money back.

- Less than two weeks after the deadly 9/11 terror attacks, H from Steps took part in the promotion of the band's latest single, a cover of the Bee Gees' "Chain Reaction". Coincidence, or a warning to Al Qaeda of the forthcoming invasion of Afghanistan?

- H from Steps is the only man in the western world to know the current whereabouts of public enemy Osama bin Laden, having been whisked to his secret bunker somewhere in +++CARRIER LOST+++ for a personal performance of hit single "One for Sorrow"

- One of the few pop stars to invest his fortune wisely, H from Steps has already paid for his final resting place:

- A pronunciation guide: The 'H' is silent

- H from Steps lost both his thumbs in a bizarre space-hopper accident on the set of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Forced to clutch objects like a small, flightless bird in a zoo, H from Steps has turned to the only career path open to him: posing as a small, flightless bird in a zoo.

- Before he found fame as H from Steps, H from Steps went round the celebrity circuit as Ken from Bros. Earlier this year he became a YouTube hit as the ugly one from Susan Boyle.

Poor, dead H from Steps - we salute you.

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