Doctor Who FACTS
After the recent Bummy Torchwood FACTS (one of which, I am pleased to hear, made a genuine Torchwood writer do a genuine LOL), it has struck me that I haven't done a list for its rubbish spin-off series, Doctor Who.
As usual, the cromulence* of these facts may go down as well as up.
* And, if Google is anything to go by, I am only the 1,541st person in the whole world to use this word. I RULE
10. Christopher Ecclestone was cast as the ninth Doctor after Russell T Davies was inspired by a packet of wingnuts in the Salford branch of B&Q. The rest, as they say, is completely "Fantastic" TV history
9. In an attempt to bring the series up to date, BBC chiefs are to ditch the Daleks' iconic "Exterminate!" catchphrase in favour of the entirely with-it "Your Mum!"
8. Billie Piper is set to save both time and money by filming her Doctor Who and Secret Diary of a Call Girl roles at the same time. She will achieve this by making Rose Tyler into a slattern
7. Early broadcasts of Doctor Who in 1963 brought the world to the brink of thermo-nuclear destruction when it was revealed that "TARDIS" is Russian for "fellatio"
6. Fourth Doctor Tom Baker lists among his proudest achievements the introduction of hardcore bondage and humiliation to the coveted Saturday tea-time TV slot. His "safe word" is "Have a jelly baby"
5. In 46 years of Doctor Who adventures, the Doctor has never once been seen climbing stairs
4. Setting number 27 on the sonic screwdriver is Rose Tyler's favourite. "Old skool" assistant Sarah Jane Smith preferred the girth provided by setting 53
3. With no equivalent words for the programme's title, Doctor Who is known in Japan as "Fully Qualified Medical Professional Of Unknown Identity Happy Show"
2. The TARDIS chameleon circuit has functioned correctly on only one occasion – when second Doctor Patrick Troughton landed the craft in a dildo factory on Gallifrey. Alas, this footage from legendary story "The Backdoor Intruders" no longer exists
1. Robot dog K-9 is so realistic that he was frequently punished for mounting sexy Timelord Romana's leg and sent to his basket
Bonus FACT: A huge fan of 80s sitcom Allo Allo, new Doctor Matt Smith will base his role on comedy gendarme Officer Crabtree and will refer to his space craft as "Ze TURDIS"