Matalan: Crucible of the World's greatest ideas. For it was in that fine establishment's branch in Weymouth that I had this spunker of an idea.After mentioning it on Twitter, the internet's premier slacking-off site du jour, it drew the attention of one of this nation's finest minds:
"Submit it to Dave Gorman's Genius TV show" said TV's Dave Gorman of Dave Gorman's Genius TV show, but their web form's gone on the blink, so I'm going to park my plan here for the time being.
This time next year, Rodders...
Dear TV's Dave Gorman
I live in a well-known seaside resort, and every year our eyes are assaulted by the shocking fashion faux pas that is people wearing socks and sandals in public.
Like this.
This is often made far, far worse by the socks being a) knee-length and b) bright, eye-gouging colours. They also tend to hunt in packs, meaning there is no escape for we in the sensible sandals-and-no-socks majority.
My wife has put a stop to my annual game of socks-and-sandals spotting (which goes by the excellent name of "Fashion Police" with its own beautifully contrived scoring system based on the Robot Wars concept of style, control, damage and aggression) with the guilt-trip that is "Perhaps they're wearing those socks for medical reasons".
Judging by the number of victims, there are an awful lot of people in coastal resorts with bad feet.
She repeats the "medical reasons" mania every two minutes whilst in town, so I am coming to the conclusion that there may be some truth in this and these poor, poor wretches are not victims of poor fashion taste, but simply do not have a readily-available way to hide their socks-and-sandals shame.
That is, until now: Pending the invention of transparent socks (which will have to wait until we've perfected faster-than-light travel, to be honest), I have come up with this – frankly – awesome idea: Flesh-coloured socks for medical sock-and sandals victims.
These socks will come in a range of skin tones to suit all customers. The premium brand will also come with black flecks to simulate leg hair and blotches to match up with hideous skin conditions.
To reach the right customers, they will be sold at Post Offices, discount shops and jumble sales, and given away as free gifts for any June Whitfield-fronted funeral plan or stair lift.
My ultimate aim is to have enterprise tsar Alan Sugar wearing these to Cabinet Meetings and on future episodes of The Apprentice. He strikes me as a knotted-hanky, sock-and-sandals type of guy who takes his seaside holidays very seriously and would be the ideal figurehead for this product.
Your pal
Albert O'Balsam
PS I am not mad.
23 comments:
Also plz to add to the fashion police list,the female equivalents, stockings and open-toed shoes, and 4 bum pants/4 boob bras.
And unpainted toenails with sandals ...
Here here! I heartily agree! Hey Debster, that's me your commenting about! Now I am this age, I can't bend down far enough to paint my toenails.
Cheers for THAT visual Pseudonymph...now pass the mind bleach.
Now, IF (and that's a big IF) I wear sandals (sans socks of course), I leave on show my manky ankle scar - this gets quite a few second glances, closely followed by a look of revulsion (then the looker is sick inna hedge).
Maybe I should wear a sock on the other foot to divert their attention...?
Mr Snee.
You would perhaps better served if you just want to wear one sock, by following the lead of Mr Flea, from the (allegedly) Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Won't no-one be looking at your manky ankle then...
My name is Mark ...
Hi Mark!
... and I am a recovering Sandal-n-Sockaholic. It has been 34 years since I last wore sandals and socks.
The Shame
The Shame
please to add to list fat people with g-string on display...
bleeeurgh!
Or that woman who wears a thong and stands in front of me at the gym with low slung trackies.
Debster, if I want to go running in my thongs and low slung trackies, that's my business.
Plz not to perve on me.
Fat people with a g-string on display?
Um...doesn't one part cancel out the other?
More mind bleach please...
I often find I have a myriad decisions to make during the course of a day and, as a committed Christian, I can usually find the answer by asking a simple question; "What would Jesus do?" So, the cure to the socks'n'sandals problem is simple; convert everyone to dyed-in-the-wool, born-again Christianity.
NB When I was invited the other day to hang around the pier at Worthing, distributing copies of "Praise Be!" and banging a tambourine, I found that adage most helpful - Jesus would definitely not have done that.
Banging tambourines.
That christianity must be more fun that it appears.
Secret: I took a picture for Misty's recent Bloggerversary of myself in socks and sandals - and I was pleasantly surprised how comfy it felt. In fact - it felt good. There you go, I've said it - it felt good. Say it loud and say it proud "I HAVE WORN SOCKS AND SANDALS - AND IT FEELS GOOD". I'm an out of the closet SOCKS AND SANDALS enthusiast.
p.s. But no need to tell anybody else. You know - just keep it to yourselves.
Anonymous, maybe that should read 'banging a tangerine'; and at Christmas they let you have an orange.
What with crucifixion and all; masochism and fruit sex. Those christians have all the fun.
Does lend new meaning to 'happy clappy' though. You can get an antibiotic to treat that.
Snee - from personal experience, after their look of revulsion you say with ultimate sarcasm, "It's a scar, ya spaz. Got any questions?" The sneering tone alone usually banishes those kinds of people. Or better yet - offer to tell them how you got it. But in the end a nice disdainful 'F*&^% off' usually does the trick.
But never, ever socks and sandals. If 'medical' were an excuse - then wear proper shoes.
My excellent sandals have failed and I now have to wear shoes with socks. Shoes shaped like bare feet?
Richard: not quite so excellent, then?
Okay I won't tell a sole! (pun)
SO? I always wear red and white horizontally striped tights with my Jesus Boots. I also wear a green jacket and a hat with a bobble on top. This is standard dress code for the little people in Ireland.
- Eamon O'Orton (the tallest leprachaun in the world)
Did Jesus wear socks with his Jew shoes?
Much as I hate socks with sandals, it gives me the boak to see corn plasters-on-toes with sandals.
Mr D. Not now, no. I did have them for years and even wore them in Weymouth.
I have the technology, I can rebuild them.
Richard:
http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/
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