Celebrities. By and large a huge body of wasted humanity.A huge body of wasted humanity who live for coverage in the Red Tops, and an exclusive photoshoot with one of those celebrity magazines with an exclamation mark in their name.
I take as Exhibit A: Peaches Geldof, offering no further evidence other the complete loss of my will to live after only five minutes with a copy of "Sleb Bollocks!" in a dentist waiting room last week.
If only, I ask, there was something useful we could do with them.
For – if my brush with Sleb Bollocks! is anything to go by – there are thousands of the bastards, most of whom famous only for doing things to the genitals of Premier League footballers.
Such as a war, for example.
You've got to face facts – a good old righteous war against a mad dictator such as our old pals Kim Jong-Il or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to be a wall-to-wall media event with 24-hour coverage across all networks.
And if you've got a massive 24-hour wall-to-wall media event, you're going to need celebrities to keep the public interested in the events on the ground.
Celebrities completely unaware that the sudden death elimination round means exactly that.
Loads of them. Fronting a massive human wave attack against thousands of concrete machine-gun bunkers manned by hordes of Korean worker-soldier zealots, defending their homeland against the decadent western war criminal clique, their hearts swelling in pride at the example of Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, back at the presidential palace putting a couple of B-Listers to the sword himself.
And leading the attack: Beelzebub in human form. Or, to you and me, Katie "Jordan" Price, at the front of the Third WAGS Brigade, ensuring the camera's getting her good side as Agyness Deyn is fired out of a cannon straight up her mimsy.
War: It's HELL. And after ITV turned down my pitch for I'm A Celebrity, Lock Me In The Cupboard Under The Stairs With Only A Tuberculosis-ridden Badger Corpse For Food, it is only right that we make this the best TV programme the world's ever likely to see. And don't actually show it.
And the great thing is we can hold Britain's Got Talent-style auditions for anyone else who wants to join in the
Or, if we can't start a war, build a wall around Cobham in Surrey to keep them all in. Then bomb it.
I will, of course, be offering a limited number of "Get Out Of Cobham Free" cards to deserving celebrities.
You may like to argue their case in the comments section. I shall decide on their fate. But, frankly, I don't fancy their chances.
21 comments:
"Lock Me In The Cupboard Under The Stairs With Only A Tuberculosis-ridden Badger Corpse For Food" - not another bloody cooking show.
p.s. Furst.
Afternoon, Squeakypony. Only because I let you, mind you...
I'd be more than happy to lend my car for a couple of hours to transport to the drop-zone, a carload of celebrity mothers, who give their children obscure names, never cut said child's hair, never appear in public with a vomit cloth on their shoulder and 'lose the baby weight from breastfeeding*.
Stop making it hard for the rest of us.
*hiring a wetnurse, personal trainer, private chef and plastic surgeon.
Pseudonymph - you could add to that list Too-Posh-to-Push, Hire-another-woman's-uterus.
Also some guy's man gravy in a turkey baster they've picked out of a catalogue
A war on the genitals of Premier League footballers?
Speaking od Dead Celebriries - RIP Mrs Slocombe and her Pussy. Gone to the Big Store in The Sky
I'd like to see Gary Glitter leading the charge on the machine gun posts in platform shoes. A fitting tribute to poor dead Whacko....fellow paedocomrade in arms.
Isn't Cobham a type of ablative armour for tanks?
before you nuke Cobham, can you let me out ... and make sure my mum's not shopping at Sainsburys?!
Can we send everybody involved with Sleb Bollocks! to the front with 'em?
I have never picked a turkey baster out of a catalogue. I did however go to Cobham yesterday on the way back from paintballing.
Paint balling? Is decorating the genitals some sort of male ritual for summertime?
"Katie "Jordan" Price, at the front of the Third WAGS Brigade, ensuring the camera's getting her good side as Agyness Deyn is fired out of a cannon straight up her mimsy."
This thread useless without pictures.
Why don't you just give Debster her choice of guns (paintball and otherwise) and round them up? It would be like a lottery, as she could alternate between paintball/bullets. :)
But what to call it? The Debster Show? Death by Debster? I'll leave the naming of the new show up to Debster.
I would like a card for J Oliver. Because bombing is too good for him.
Also please to have one for the Kylie sisters. Because then they'd be grateful to me, and then who knows?
I was brought up in Cobham. It's the sort of place that they'll fill the "B" ark up from. I say we dust off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure...
Have you ever considered that the reason for Communist Countries like North Korea lies at the door of empty celebrity?
I mean, you don't hear stories about the North Korean Tragic Cow equivalent of Jordan, do you?
My cousin, an exceedingly top bloke and not a stranger to a few bob, lives in a select part of Brighton. His mate down the road tells him the other day that he's got a new neighbour and that the paps are hanging like gibbons from trees in his garden (pointing their lenses at the wrong house). New neighbour is poor dead P. Andre.
My personal choice of weapon would be the longbow, which I discovered I can draw better than most men. And I love the idea of shooting, I would like to do paintballing with real guns. Or knives. But my all time favourite sport would be the red indian style of riding horses and shooting arrows at a circle of wagons. Now if they did that instead of poxy paintballing I would be in there ... But anything involving violence against somebody else would be fine with me.
How about Debbie Does Arrows?
Debster - Excellent name choice. And I think combining horses and wagons would pull in the Western viewers.
Debster - If you want to start VILENCE against someone else, I have a list.
Want to start? I am WAAAAY ahead of you there.
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