"Take me," she said.I raise an eyebrow in the accepted fashion.
"Take me," she said, "to B&Q for some tongue and groove."
The eyebrow remained raised, and I piled her into the Renault Scenic of DOOM, my lead boot taking her to the orange corrugated B&Q warehouse in record time.
Not – it goes without saying – that we time our trips to B&Q and write the results in a handy notebook kept in the glove compartment for our regular weekly round-up of the household stats that gets displayed on a notice board I have erected in our front garden.
So: Eyebrow still cocked, scooting along on one of those flat-bed trolleys that don't go round corners, I took her into the planed timber aisle for a quantity of tongue and groove.
And the bastards threw us out into the car park and called the Police.
If the law weren't already distracted by a nearby outbreak of Bennies on the loose, who knows what might have happened.
It turned out that what she really wanted was a dozen packs of B&Q value brand timber cladding for the inside of our new
Why – I ask – didn't she tell me in the first place? Next time she wants a good quality six-inch screw, we've got to go all the way to Homebase.
And that's in bloody Dorchester.
15 comments:
First! Up too late on a school night!
Nothing about taking her up the aisle and being thrown out the back door!
Should have nailed her when you had the chance.
Next she'll be wanting to see your Philip's head. What's that saying about giving them six inches and they'll take a mile??
But what happened to the mirth and indeed woe?
I, too, have recently completed an enormous erection with the help of B&Q and a certain Mr Wickes. It is also a summerhouse, aka "Big Shed". It is currently inhabited by Lily Mussolini & Danny Piranha, our 2 cavalier KC spaniels, who believe it to be a luxury kennel. The T&G cladding makes sense, & I shall ask Mrs C if she fancies some. At the very least, I should be able to engineer a suitable cache for the collection of jazzmags, the illicit 20 kingsize and the half bottle of vodak so necessary for the proper functioning of a shed, sorry, summerhouse.
So did she not get any wood? How disappointing.
Apparently they have a massive tool in the hardware isle - he's called Julian.
p.s. P.A. announcement - "bucket and mop to the garden department ... just at the end where the hedge seedlings are."
@ Rik - but don't they say a hard man is good to find?
Aunty Brenda - they say a lot more than that...
Yes, well, you know she like to go down there to check out tools.
Also worth a mention:
Uphill gardening.
Ahh... Reminds me of the time I went to Ikea and then spent the rest of the weekend in my bedroom, banging and screwing...
Happy days.
A most unfortunate misunderstanding. Maybe you should go out less and shop online more.
The idea that my missus could get me anywhere near B&Q, even for a six inch screw, is totally laughable. But good luck with Homebase.
Slightly off topic but . . . the flatbeds that don't go round corners are best pulled rather than pushed.
[cue Benny Hill theme]
My time zone, combined with my work schedule, always lends an air of, "Wait for me!" about my comments. Very upsetting.
And Dawn. Shattering the illusion that you, amongst all of us, are the sole person with Something Better To Do In Your Day.
It's always the timezones, innit?
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