On Torchwood FACTS
"Please, Scary", I was asked this week, "Please could you put all your EXCELLENT Torchwood facts you've been leaving on your EXCELLENT Twitter feed on a single page on your blog?"
"Yes," I said, "Yes I can."
So, breaking my own rule of not having two sets of FACTS in a week, and postponing an excellent tale of mirth and woe for a later date, I shall – instead – go for a shameless cash-in on the popularity of British television's number one slightly bummy science fiction show that rhymes with "Orchwood".
All of these FACTS about Captain Jack and the team are 100 per cent of FACT, and will astound and amaze friends, relatives and dinner party guests.
10. In deference to its Welsh origins, the original name for the series was "Torchwood, isn't it?", and starred Max Boyce
9. Queen Victoria founded the Torchwood Institute in 1857 to satisfy her Welsh dry humping fetish, and enjoyed its services right up until her death in 1901.
8. Despite his assumed rank in the RAF, Captain Jack originally joined the armed forces under the name 'Private Parts'
7. Amongst the alien tech locked away in The Hub is a Gallifreyan Hand Shandy machine, to which Ianto has sole access
6. The iconic Torchwood Range Rover was originally conceived as a Yellow Reliant Robin van, driven by Captain Jack Trotter
5. Russell T Davies will up the ante in the next series of Torchwood with the addition of a hip talking cartoon dog called Poochie
4. Much of Torchwood's tension comes from the fact there is only one toilet in The Hub, which opens the Rift when flushed
3. The next series of Torchwood will feature Captain Jack and friends saving the Earth from the re-animated corpse of Rod Hull and Emu. Sparing no expense, BBC Wales will re-animate the corpse of Rod Hull and Emu especially for the programme
2. Gwen Cooper was nominated for the annual "Best former policewoman in a quasi-military alien-hunting organisation based in the Cardiff Bay area" award, sponsored by Take a Break magazine. She came third
1. The only A-list Welsh celebrity not to have appeared in Torchwood so far is Cardiff's very own King of Pop Shakin' Stevens. Fans will be delighted to hear that Shaky is to feature in a long-running story arc as the team battle the terror behind the mysterious "Green Door"
Bonus FACT: Chief writer Russell T Davies denies Torchwood is forcing gay sex down the throats of the television-watching public. "I've always been told to write about things I know," said Davies in an interview completely made up for this website, "and I will tell you right now that some of my friends are bummy aliens. I am not mad."