On Football FACTS
More of your 100 per cent factual FACTS, culled from the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Book of 100 Per Cent Factual FACTS, available in all good bookstores NOW*.
If you're the kind of person whose knowledge of football is "Which one's Beckham? Do another kick!" and "Why don't they just give them all a ball each?", then these are the 100 per cent factual football FACTS for you.
10. A recent match in the Colombian football league lays claim for the highest score in any game – Atletico Spizz triumphing over FARC United 47-23. However, closer inspection of television footage revealed that both goalkeepers had been nailed to the ground by a local betting cartel, who cleaned up in a £23,000,000,000 exact score punt.
9. If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you can park anywhere you like, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1979, in which Alan Sunderland scored the winning goal for Arsenal against Man United, following a wicked deflection off Liam Brady's wing mirror.
8. Despite their fearsome reputation, Leeds United fans are actually a good natured bunch who enjoy a good laugh as much as the next man. Celebrating the career of legendary 1930s striker Peter Doe (165 goals in 233 appearances before the War fatally interrupted his career) they go under the name of the "P Doe Boys", and like to be reminded of this as often as possible.
7. Contrary to popular belief, West London's third best team QPR are registered at the Football Association under the name Queer Punk Rockers.
6. England star and noted granny-shagger Wayne Rooney spends much of his down-time helping out in Help The Aged charity shops, keeping his end in. As it were.
5. What happened to top football manager Kevin Keegan? An unexplained incident with a baseball bat, two balloons filled with water and a quantity of outsize lingerie in 2002 led to Keggy's incarceration at Guantanamo Bay, from which he is unable to secure his release. Despite seven years in an orange jumpsuit, Keegle was still able to manage both Manchester City and Newcastle United to glorious failure.
4. Veteran England stars Gary and Phil Neville's father Neville Neville was the inspiration for the classic David Bowie song: "Neville Neville put on your dress / Neville Neville your face is a mess / Neville Neville how could they know? / Hot Tramp I love you so!"
3. Following his goalkeeping triumph in war movie Escape to Victory, Hollywood star Sylvester Stallone turned out between the sticks for three seasons for Midlands giants Wolverhampton Wanderers, during which time the team dropped from the first to fourth divisions in successive years and Sly filmed Rambo II. Cultural historians refer to this period as "fucking awful".
2. Pop artist Andy Warhol said that "in the future, everybody will be world famous for 15 minutes". He proved this by coming on as a late substitute in the 1976 FA Cup Final for underdogs Southampton, scoring the goal which sunk red-hot favourites Manchester United
1. Spurs boss Harry Redknapp – known for his wheeler-dealing in the transfer market – had comic book legend Roy Race on the books at Portsmouth for two seasons. It was only when he tried to take Racey's Rocket to White Hart Lane that anyone noticed
And a completely true fact: "Big club" Tottenham Hotspur haven't won a league title for 48 years. Forty-eight years. Heh.
* May, in fact, be a lie