Terrorism.Yes, it's a sensitive subject in this day and age, but some things have just got to be said.
Dear Osama bin Laden
I notice you've released yet another of your infamous audio tapes. And once again, it's a call for Jihad against the Western infidel dogs.
Do us a favour, mate, and change the fucking record.
Jihad, jihad, jihad – it's all we ever hear, and frankly the world's getting mighty pissed off with the whole business.
It is, if you don't mind me speaking candidly, so 2001. While you've been scratching your arse in a cave, the world's moved on and your global holy war's gone the way of socks and sandals, viz: down the knacker.
Why don't you - for the love of Cliff Richard - call for something people actually want?
Like a branch of Ikea in Pakistan's conflict-hit Swat valley?
Or a campaign to reverse Weymouth & Portland Borough Council's scandalous decisions to deny free swimming to the over-65s and to charge Blue Badge holders to leave their cars in council car parks?
Or a nightly BBC Four programme called "Jack-off-anory" where Germaine Greer reads from the letters page from Fiesta?
Get a grip, you spacker.
Your pal
Albert O'Balsam
16 comments:
Oooh. Stirring the viper pot.
No virgins for you.
Wouldn't it be amazing if the Royal Mail could find him to deliver said letter, but many armies are still looking for him...
And, make your own jihad video.
http://www.abc.net.au/tv/chaser/#/osama/
Royal Mail? Deliver a letter? Pffffft!
Apparently it was a misunderstanding and its not 72 virgins but 72 grapes. The jihadists are likely to be very disappointed ...
Lol at Germaine Greer and Ikea ...
What is it with paradise being surrounded by virgins anyway? Surely you'd want to be surrounded by fit, hot girls who knew what to do, not a bunch of giggling twats who may or may not understand the theory but would be clueless in the practical aspects of the arts of lurve, erm, sex?
Doesn't say that the 72 virgins are female, either...
Yeah I would have thought one jolly good one would be better than 72 learner drivers ...
Debster: I mis-read that as 72 'lorry' drivers.
Hmmm... Big, hairy arsed blokes that love a fight... I'd like to see a 'freedom fighter' getting on with them...
PS. Scary, you forgot to add that you are not mad. Have you finally flipped then?
I vote for Scary and his Swedish flat-pack based policy for international peace and harmony.
p.s. unfortunately I'm worried that people may sneak those little pencils onto airplanes in their shoes.
LOL @ Squeakypony. I have what seems like several thousand of those little pencils. And most of these thefts were unintentional. Honest.
Excellent letter. Although I suspect that Osama wouldn't appreciate Albert O'Balsam's sense of humour. How unfortunate!
Mr Duck, As usual I will be holidaying at Bowleaze in a couple of weeks. It's amazing how your customs chaps never spot me on the way in. Remember that bloke who used to paint himself silver and stood on a box in St Mary St? That was me, that was. Anyway, I will send a couple of lads round to sort out your council, the Punch and Judy man's one of mine, too and you ought to see what he's got in the bottom of his booth. Any movement on the statues of the Minogue girls yet? I notice Tarby's on at the Pavilion - I was hoping for Jim Davidson but the gap-toothed Scouser chuckle merchant will do just great.
Toodle Pip,
Insha'Allah and all that,
Bin Laden, O.
Isn't it odd how Osama Bin Laden is an anagram of A Den In O'Balsam?
Yes. Yes it is.
Osammie, please lets just be friends, I mean it must be such a pain hiding all the time and all we want to do is ... well just talk to you. We havn't seen you for ages....
Ooops thats right your Tora Bora cave paste. 100% FACT.I am not mad.
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