On sorting out Al Qaeda
Yes, it's a sensitive subject in this day and age, but some things have just got to be said.
Dear Osama bin Laden
I notice you've released yet another of your infamous audio tapes. And once again, it's a call for Jihad against the Western infidel dogs.
Do us a favour, mate, and change the fucking record.
Jihad, jihad, jihad – it's all we ever hear, and frankly the world's getting mighty pissed off with the whole business.
It is, if you don't mind me speaking candidly, so 2001. While you've been scratching your arse in a cave, the world's moved on and your global holy war's gone the way of socks and sandals, viz: down the knacker.
Why don't you - for the love of Cliff Richard - call for something people actually want?
Like a branch of Ikea in Pakistan's conflict-hit Swat valley?
Or a campaign to reverse Weymouth & Portland Borough Council's scandalous decisions to deny free swimming to the over-65s and to charge Blue Badge holders to leave their cars in council car parks?
Or a nightly BBC Four programme called "Jack-off-anory" where Germaine Greer reads from the letters page from Fiesta?
Get a grip, you spacker.