I am, dear reader, inclined to change the name of our abode from Scaryduck Towers to the all-caps, partly bold PLANET EXCELLENT.This is because of the EXCELLENT ideas that keep spilling out of my head which will mean that this time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires.
So, you'll not be surprised in the slightest to hear of my latest plan, which I have already sent to this proud nation's finest purveyors of snack foods.
God, I'm excellent.
Dear Mr Ginsters
Here's how much I like your famous Cornish Pasties: Quite a bit.
I have noticed that while you have branched out from the traditional Cornish into such BLASPHEMIES as Cheese and Onion, it is pleasing to see that you have avoided all this Chicken Tikka bollocks that other manufacturers are pumping into their products.
However, I believe there is one product line to which you can extend your product range which will be innovative, whilst retaining the customs of which your company is justifiably proud.
I, refer, of course to the great Cornish customs that are pasties and road kill - together at last!
Where would Cornish cuisine be – I ask – without freshly skinned and roasted badger peeled from the A30 and served with a side-order of something uncertain that was, at some stage, a cat?
There's also good eating on hedgehogs, so I'd be advising your delivery drivers to improve their aim, if I were you.
And let's not forget the summer invasion of Kernow by New Age types in their MOT-failure VW Combis. You could almost get away with calling them "hand-reared, corn-fed and organically farmed" with all the mung bean casserole sloshing around inside them.
With a skilful ad campaign, I can see you cornering the market in nutrition-free calories with these Roadkill Pasties, and you won't hear a word of complaint from Jamie Oliver. Honestly, I warned him anything could happen if he kept zipping about on that scooter of his. And it did.
I look forward to your reply and *cough* big fat cheque *cough*
Your pal
Albert O'Balsam
Dear Mr O'Balsam
Sadly your idea was patented in the United Kingdom some years ago by a major High Street burger chain.
Life's a bastard, isn't it?
Your Pal
Albert O'Ginster
15 comments:
First. Innit.
That's disgusting, but then most things are, coming from you, Duckie.
Big fat pastry encrusted TURD.
But I see your Cornish Pastie, and raise you:
http://www.simplot.com.au/products.asp?pgID=46
All resemblance to a deep-fried poo is entirely coincidental.
This post also should be labelled I am not mad
As a vegetarian of many years, I skimmed lightly over your article, not paying it my usual deference. However the phrase "Chicken tikka bollocks" caught my attention. How many poor chickens have to die in order to provide enough bollocks to fill a pie?
I am not an evangelical lentil chewer, but I do take a certain satisfaction in being a little more circumspect than some in choosing what I put in my mouth.
"Flat-meat" can be found on sale in your local Cornwall co-op
Mmmm. Fly-blown roadkill. The 'other' other white meat.
There goes my breakfast.
Is true, Erin. If there's enough maggot power, your breakfast (as you so amusingly refer to it) will literally go places.
I can't believe Scary didn't mention 'pheasant plucking' at some point.
There's mucho joy and fun to be had pheasant plucking, believe me!
Fills up an otherwise empty afternoon ...
The Viccus is back! And not before time, either.
Ah!
Being in a bluegrass band, I penned a song last year called 'Roadkill Pie'. Other band members refused to include it in our repertoire - cant think why- so if I can contribute a theme tune to your ad campaign and being a millionaire by this time next year Rodders, then that would be rancidly wonderful.
Sharyn, I play in a bluegrass duet. Send me your roadkill pie song and we'll cover it!
Post a Comment