On Royal FACTS
Our Royal Family. God bless 'em and everything they stand for. You know: Shitloads of money, huge castles and the right to have us all killed completely TO DEATH and have first dibs on your still twitching genitals.
But did you know...? (Value of FACTS may go down as well as up)
10. Queen Victoria did all her own stunt work, including her infamous rocket-powered flight down the Windsor Castle death slide, which resulted in her death
9. Charles Windsor's official title is HRH The Prince of Whales, on account of his enormous penis, and his catchphrase of "Thar She Blows" heard from a Buckingham Palace upstairs window just as he's about to have sexy time with Camilla
8. Queen Victoria had a secret double life in circus freak shows due to her ability to cling to the ceiling by the vacuum of her own buttocks
7. Her Majesty the Queen (Winner: Playboy Hot Royal 1957) is kept in a leather suitcase and sent by DHL to all official engagements as part of a money-saving exercise
6. Queen Victoria coined the word 'spacker' in 1858 in a tirade where she also referred to Prime Minister Lord Palmerston as 'a complete and utter div'
5. As part of their vows in their 1947 wedding ceremony at Westminster Abbey, the then Princess Elizabeth promised never to get Prince Philip wet, nor to feed him after midnight
4. Queen Victoria's final wish was to be fired out of a cannon up Kaiser Wilhelm II's arse whilst wearing his spiked helmet. The ceremony is repeated every year in Hamburg Docks by HRH Prince Edward
3. Prince Charles has abandoned years of multi-million pound scientific research and has realised there is no way he can stop Camilla turning into a horse. Instead, he will now recruit a jockey to enter her at next year's Royal Ascot. Should make interesting TV viewing, then.
2. The first ever cock-punch was administered by Queen Victoria on an over-eager Lord Palmerston, as an alternative to the Victoria Cross. The current Queen still administers cock-punches to all her Prime Ministers, with Margaret Thatcher having received the most
1. Thanks to centuries of inbreeding amongst Europe's royal families, it has been revealed that Princess Anne is her own brother, cousin and several of her mother's Corgis
Bonus FACT: When holidaying at Balmoral, Prince Charles employs a highly-trained, highly-paid former SAS footman to ensure that nothing is worn under the kilt
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