Pavlov's Cat recently published a list of things that turn a mere man into a fully capitalised Manly Man. And who am I to argue? I never felt more manly than the day I bought my own chainsaw and axe with a three foot long handle.I did think, however, that the list missed a number of things, which I shall endeavour to rectify here:
- Meat: Going to a genuine butcher's shop and buying far too much meat for a barbecue. Make sure that everybody in the shop knows that you are going straight home to set fire to your purchases
- Gym: Being the only bike in a gym car park full of Range Rovers. Then adding about fifty kg of weights to the multigym, and not batting an eyelid when the elastic band goes in your back as you try to lift it
- Pub bragging: Having a story for every occasion in which you either emerge as the resounding victor, or vomit in a heroic manner over an authority figure
- Reading on the toilet: It's not taking a dump, woman, it's 'me' time. Score extra marks for only using three sheets of paper
- Knowing the words to football chants: And singing them in your offspring's school concert when they play the right tune. See also: Football banter with the boss
- Dialling 999: And then going out and doing something about it before the emergency services arrive. Leave all that 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 business to the birds
- Crying: Acceptable only on the death of your dog; the birth of your son and heir; and when Jenny Agutter says "Daddy! My Daddy!" in The Railway Children
- Comedy: Know verbatim the entire scripts of The Young Ones, Monty Python, The Blues Brothers, Simpsons and Blazing Saddles, and have the ability to pull quotes from any to settle an argument or get a quick laugh at a moment's notice. Girls: try this with Friends and Sex and the City and see how far you get
- Casting an eye over other people's CD collections: A Manly Man MUST, on arriving at somebody's house, immediately glance at the host's CD collection and pass comment on any disc that is less than manly. "Celine Dion? You utter gaylord."
- Car maintenance: The only person in the household who knows the correct holes for petrol, oil, brake fluid, coolant, spark plugs, ignition key
There is bound to be more. Add more.
42 comments:
OK. Ownership of a bloody shed in which a manly man does bugger all except read the papers, listen to the radio, wank and drink beer.
You make that sound like it's a bad thing
Writing TURD on blogs
Mapping powered by Windows Vista.
To not read the instruction manual for ANYTHING, including the Sky+ box, miss the last 10 minute cliff hanger of Eastenders/Corrie, be banned from ever setting the recorder again, and thus HAVE to watch the match live and not go down to IKEA/Costco/Argos/Tesco of a Saturday afternoon, which ane fule kno is shopping HELL.
Channel 5 showed 'Logan's Run' a few weeks back. Spotted, one nipple, property of a Miss J. Agutter at 16.45pm on a sunday. Hurrah for Channel 5!
Only going to the shops when you know exactly what you want to buy, going in and completing your purchase in under 10 minutes.
Also, owning some Whitworth spanners.
Not recognising women by their faces or voices.
No chest hair waxing, nor use of hair products (gel, mousse, whatever). And if a man takes longer than me to get ready in the morning...NO.
According to your standards of comedy, I must be quite the manly man...not sure I really want to brag about that...
Excellent additions, Ta for linkage.
my own
Comment on DVD collections 'Love Actually', 'Four Weddings' 'City of Angels' " You big girls cock"
No fear of fire : Nothing more manly then standing in the November dark, stirring the garden incinerator with a burning stick.
Using manly terms Using offside and nearside for cars. Peppering any conversation about boats with references to port, starboard, pitch, yaw and roll, so any man listening knows you are capable of helming a ship of the line in a South Atlantic gale.
Motorsickles - being able to kick-start a machine (none of that electric start nonsense!)
Being able to convert metric to imperial, in your head: Come to think of it, that might just mean you're old.
Also, owning some Whitworth spanners.
I scond that
And shouting at bloody computers
0118 999 881 999 119 725...3 ( you forgot the pause)
p.s. Got my Mums funeral on Wednesday - predicting very teary wobbly lower lip manly man failure.
A Manly Man
Uses a blow torch even when there's paint stripper avaiable.
Knows how to find the north star.
Reads instructions and follows them, he knows if a job's worth doing it's worth doing properly. ( first time only, shortcuts may be introduced on repeats)
Knows that if the elastics still good, the pants stay in the rotation.
Knows Germolene is a salve for anything up to a severed limb.
Can give 'aeroplanes' to small children.
Cannot see scaffolding, without plotting a route to the top and wondering what the view's like up there.
Doesn't do caffine free, can't sleep, that's what the internets for.
Looks at mail order gun sites in the US and does the conversion to see how much a Glock 17 would be in Sterling if he was allowed to place an order.
Urinating in the Great Outdoors.
Only men think that seeing how far you can piss up a wall should be an olympic sport and worthy of World Wide recognition.
Tzonar.
Going to Maplin, just to have a look around the 'AV cables' section, and knowing what all of them are for.
Fixing a bicycle, using only WD40.
Putting together a flat pack correctly first time, without losing any of the bits.
Carrying three pints of beer safely through the pub, with two packs of peanuts held in the teeth.
Having a huge pocketful of change, but still paying for everything with notes.
Owning at least two of each manly tool. 2 welders, 2 angle grinders etc Having 2 sheds to keep them in.
What #Debi said.
It's lonely being a woman with total recall of every Monty Python sketch she've ever seen. Why, just t'other day, someone said, "It's the second... no, the third... no, the second... it's the third!" which, of course, reminded me of the Spanish Inquisition sketch and I turned to my female companion and said, "Our chief weapons are..." and she didn't get it. *sigh*
Suggested edit for: Crying
Nadgers crushed in bizarre space hopper incident.
A manly man needs one of these
Fire Basket with Grill £24.99
Now
theseabass, putting a flatpack together in spite of there being metally and screwy bits missing because you can fashion bits out of the crap in the bottom of your toolbox.
And if I actually had a shed I would be able to say "...I think I've got something in the shed that'll work..."
In a similar vein - keeping your car on the road with parts gleaned from a lawnmower
Your car's French, it's already made from lawnmower parts.
Also: being able to change a clutch-plate.
Rob: Ah-ha! That was when I had a British car (when they had British cars) and all the nuts and bolts were in imperial.
I remember going to a pub and being the only person in there that was able to pull a Philip'sa head out of their bag and fix the till that the guv'nor had broken,
That should have been a 'Manly Man's' job, but I'm blonde, and definitely female.
It was a class moment, seeing as nearly all the so-called, 'manly Men' had already tried to fix said till...
I tried leaving a post similar to this over on Pavlov's Cat's blog, but teh intermanet was broken so I shall ask this question here -
Where can I get me a 'Manly Man'?
I would like one, ASAP.
@ Misty - Manly, New South Wales, Australia. A good 50% of the population there are Manly Men.
@Squeaky - crying exemption granted for Wednesday. Sadness on the death of a parent escapes through the tearduct and you feel marginally better.
To add to my list, after seeing my laundry done by my manly man:
To do such a shithouse job at a 'woman's work' i.e hanging out the washing that you will never be asked to do it again. In the mean time, I shall enjoy my jumpers which are now haute couteur A-line style.
How about wearing the same pair of pants and socks for a least a month, and bragging that it's a "manly" smell when people remark on the pong?
Only a Manly Man would pick his nose whilst chatting up a woman at a party.
Pseudonymph : thanks.
Ah, but we all know that Misty IS a manly man with added woe.
Fire is the key to manlyness.
Burning stuff is good but fixing things with fire is even better, brazing, welding, loosening nuts with a blow torch and of course using a glowing lump of coal to cauterise an open wound
Going out into the woods and cutting your own firwewood, with an axe, and hauling logs back with a tractor.
And shooting some wild fowl for tea whilst your are there.
From a moving tractor.
Peusdonymph: Thanks for the tip - I shall start saving my pocket money for a trip!
Audrey: That is a most unwise thing to say. Just remember, you can't run forever and you must spleep sometime...
*sharpens Mr Pointy*
Captain Dangerous (and Misty): who needs and axe and a tractor?
I liked the post,particularly that 'Reading on the toilet bit
If you own anything that Whitworth spanners fit....are you over the edge?
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