Monday, July 13, 2009

On being a manly man

On being a manly man

Pavlov's Cat recently published a list of things that turn a mere man into a fully capitalised Manly Man. And who am I to argue? I never felt more manly than the day I bought my own chainsaw and axe with a three foot long handle.

I did think, however, that the list missed a number of things, which I shall endeavour to rectify here:

- Meat: Going to a genuine butcher's shop and buying far too much meat for a barbecue. Make sure that everybody in the shop knows that you are going straight home to set fire to your purchases

- Gym: Being the only bike in a gym car park full of Range Rovers. Then adding about fifty kg of weights to the multigym, and not batting an eyelid when the elastic band goes in your back as you try to lift it

- Pub bragging: Having a story for every occasion in which you either emerge as the resounding victor, or vomit in a heroic manner over an authority figure

- Reading on the toilet: It's not taking a dump, woman, it's 'me' time. Score extra marks for only using three sheets of paper

- Knowing the words to football chants: And singing them in your offspring's school concert when they play the right tune. See also: Football banter with the boss

- Dialling 999: And then going out and doing something about it before the emergency services arrive. Leave all that 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 business to the birds

- Crying: Acceptable only on the death of your dog; the birth of your son and heir; and when Jenny Agutter says "Daddy! My Daddy!" in The Railway Children

- Comedy: Know verbatim the entire scripts of The Young Ones, Monty Python, The Blues Brothers, Simpsons and Blazing Saddles, and have the ability to pull quotes from any to settle an argument or get a quick laugh at a moment's notice. Girls: try this with Friends and Sex and the City and see how far you get

- Casting an eye over other people's CD collections: A Manly Man MUST, on arriving at somebody's house, immediately glance at the host's CD collection and pass comment on any disc that is less than manly. "Celine Dion? You utter gaylord."

- Car maintenance: The only person in the household who knows the correct holes for petrol, oil, brake fluid, coolant, spark plugs, ignition key

There is bound to be more. Add more.

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